What I wrote two Years ago

Two years ago when I had not been blogging for very long yet, I wrote the following about my parents:

‘Your father has always been a selfish person. He doesn’t send any money for you but I bet he sits down for breakfast with a soft boiled egg in front of him. He knows how to look after himself and doesn’t care whether his children have anything to eat.’

The voice of my mother still rings in my ears. When years later I talked to my father about his so called selfishness, he justified himself with a lot of words and by producing the Post Office receipts which proved that he had constantly sent money for us children. True, he never could send much, however Mum’s claim that he didn’t send any money at all was totally wrong, according to Dad. He made sure that I looked at all the relevant slips. It seemed very important to him that I should believe him.

I felt sorry for Dad and I felt sorry for Mum. I used to feel that I could not take sides for either of them: I was totally torn between them. My loyalty belonged to both in equal proportions, that means, I could never decide on who’s side I should be. Mum of course accused me constantly of siding with my father and rejecting her. She probably did not feel supported by me. She just could not stand it when I tried to defend Dad.

Dad was the opposite. No matter how much he complained about Mum and let it be known how frustated he was about Mum’s behaviour, he was never angry with me when I tried to defend Mum. He always listened patiently to what I had to say. On the contrary, he liked it when I pointed out how much Mum meant to me and the boys.

‘You are right, Uta,’ he would say, ‘it is very important for you and the boys that you have a good relationship with your Mum. After all she is your Mum. I certainly would not like you rejecting her. In her own way she loves all three of you. You should never forget this.’ Then he would continue to complain about it that Mum was not willing to leave Berlin and live together with him and us children as one family. He also had some gripes about Aunty Ilse. According to him it was she who had wrecked their marriage.

I loved Aunty Ilse. For me it was very hard to listen to Dad’s accusations about her. Dad claimed in a very angry voice that Ilse had lived a ‘Lotter-Leben’ (bad life) when she was younger. He said that she had now a very good marriage. He was of the opinion that marrying HL was the best thing that could have happened to her. Dad regarded HL as being of very good character. I could only agree. In my experience, this Uncle spoke of Dad always in a respectful way too, that is, I never heard him say anything bad about him. Come to think of it, neither did Aunty Ilse. The way I saw it, only Mum would talk about Dad in a very nasty kind of way. It shows that to her mind he must have been a great disappointment to her. Even as a child I tried to see both sides. This was mind boggling for me. A lot of the issues were about what normally only grown-ups would be concerned about. On the other hand – even though I had no way of being able to tell what for instance the sexual difficulties may have been – I none the less felt those vibes which told me, my parents had these very strong love/hate feelings towards each other. I also sensed Mum’s absolute disgust about the way Dad’s life had turned out to be. Yes, I can imagine what immense disappointment this was for her!

Some time after Dad had managed to set himself up in a secure position again he talked to me about how it would be best for all of us if he remarried Mum. I told him that I could not imagine this happening. And sure enough, when he asked Mum to live with him again, she refused.

In 1959 Peter and I migrated to Australia with our two baby-girls. The following year Dad married G. Peter and I were under the impression that the new wife was right for Dad in every way, I am sure, Dad had a very good marriage with G. They had only a short time together: At age sixty-two Dad died of prostate cancer. After having stayed in hospital for a while Dad pleaded with G to take him home. She did this and nursed him for the last six months of his life. It so happened, that G received Dad’s pension after he died. This upset my Mum and my brothers immensely! They thought, G had no right to receive all the benefits. They told me that the first wife should get more consideration for having had a much longer marriage as well as children. I felt awful when my family talked badly about G. I know that she had always been very welcoming, kind and supportive towards my brothers.

G is ninety-two now. Over the distance I still have some occasional contact with her. I am never going to forget, how, during the last years of his life, she gave Dad so much of herself. When I received her letter six months before he died, telling me about the seriousness of Dad’s illness, I cried and cried.

This was the end of my post.  What follows are some replies I wrote to  comments from some bloggers.

I must have been a sensitive child. It is interesting to observe how marriage break-ups effect children in different ways. I always say I had four  mothers: My birth-mother, my aunt, who was my mother’s sister and throughout her life treated me very much as though I was her own daughter (maybe because she never had a child of her own), then the third very much loved mother was my mother-in-law and finally my father’s second wife, whom I knew only through correspondence and photos. Later on, many years after my father’s death, I did get to know her personally on a few visits to Germany. It was so good to be able to talk to her about my father!

Some children grow up not knowing anything about their father. I for one feel blessed that I knew my parents, who both loved me, each in their own way. And I was also very much loved by many people in the large extended family. It is of course very sad, that my parents could not live a happy life together.  – – –  Yes, it saddened me, but I think it also matured me in my early teenage years. I always had a feeling wanting to understand the different characters. Maybe this brought on a longing in me to write about my feelings and the way I saw different people.

The way I see it, it was really my father who was bitter about the separation. My mother did not want to move to where my father was. My father was quite bitter about this. He was fighting sickness and not being able to get a proper job in the postwar years.

I reckon my teenage years were not as good as they could have been, but I’m not bitter about this Everything turned out all right for me in the end. I was the first born one and used to be a good student. Everyone always thought I’d make it to university. However this did not eventuate. To be honest, I really was not unhappy about this, not at all. I was overjoyed when among dozens of applicants I landed a job in an office at the age of 18. I did office work for five years. In the meantime I had married and started a family. When I was approaching 25 we moved to Australia under a migration program. We had two children under two and soon there followed a third one! We did not have much money, but we thought we were doing all right.

Uta with her children at Fairy Meadow Beach, NSW, Australia, June 1960
Uta with her children at Fairy Meadow Beach, NSW, Australia, June 1960

12 thoughts on “What I wrote two Years ago

  1. Hallo liebe Ute ich wünsche dir einen schönen Sonntag, hat du wieder toll geschrieben,ja es gibt schön sehr egoistische Menschen mein erster Mann war auch so.Habe mich nach 16 Jahren von im getrennt,ich könnte auch zu viel schreckliche Sachen schreiben ,aber ich denke dann immer lass es Ruhn,und zumal er es bestimmt lesen würde,heute bin ich zwei Kuchen an Packen sind noch im Ofen und müssen gleich raus.Ich wünsche dir einen guten und schönen Wochenstart und bleibe Gesund.Lieber Gruß Gislinde

  2. Thank you for sharing your parent’s story and your family’s journey my friend. It is hard to grow up with parents who are at odds at each, we children get caught in the middle but love, hope and faith prevails. I did see a part of myself when you shared about your migration to Australia. And yes, we did not have much money too but we were alright. What matters is that our family are one together, right? God bless…

  3. I don’t agree at all with your mother’s statement at the beginning of your blog. He was not selfish at at all.

    You are right we were happy when we had the three children and not much money. That was the beginning. Now our eldest is gone and I miss her so much. But we should understand our lives the way Hermann Hesse sees it.

    For German readers: http://www.lyrikwelt.de/gedichte/hesseg1.htm

    For English readers: http://mindmastery.wordpress.com/2007/02/17/hermann-hesse-steps-stufen/

  4. Thank you for this post. Going through the grief and angst of separation myself, it is interesting seeing it through a child’s perspective, even though now that child is much older. It does make me want to strive to get past the feelings of pain and onto a life of meaning so that the children can re-connect in a happy way with both of us.

    1. You are right, Elizabeth, that child is quite a bit older now! 🙂
      We just watched the movie “What MAISIE knew”. It’s based on the acclaimed novel by Henry James. Six year old Maisie is caught in the middle of a custody battle between her parents. The whole movie is shot from the point of view of the little girl. This was an eye opener about how observant and at the same time resilient a young child can be. And how important loving relationships are!

      1. I had not heard of the movie and I will certainly check it out. I had read that children of divorce can battle to form strong relationships. You have certainly proved that theory wrong!
        🙂

  5. Not all that wrong, Elizabeth, Peter and I, we had our battles too. Peter also grew up with divorced parents. I think some difficulty in our relationship used to come up on a regular basis because of Peter’s perception that I wanted to dominate him! It is true, me being the first born one I had often been in charge of my two younger brothers. On the other hand Peter, as a kid, used to feel very much dominated by his two older sisters!
    Old age can often be a blessing in overcoming certain disturbances in the relationship: One sort of mellows a bit! 🙂

  6. Uta! I think it a wonderful tribute to both your parents that you are able to look back at your childhood, not with recrimination, but with a positive perspective of how it formed your character. Thanks for sharing! Gail

  7. Thank you, Gail, for reading my post and commenting on it. Thinking back to what my parents were like, I cannot feel but be amazed how very different they were.
    Both Peter and I had parents who were divorced during the postwar years.
    Peter and I have been married now for nearly 57 years.
    Our youngest daughter is only 35. She was born when I was 44! 🙂

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