0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

1

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:39would actually improve our relationship

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work