I copied this May 2, 2012 blog with comments from 2012! The last comment shows, that this pain was caused by arthritis! I still suffer from arthritis quite a lot.
May 2, 2012
What does God want me to do?
Last Sunday at Mass I was confronted with the above question. As it happened it was a day when I was in quite a bit of physical pain. The pain didn’t start out to be really bad. I would be all right walking to church, so I thought. But far from it. After walking the distance, which took about twenty-five minutes, the pain was getting quite considerable. I arrived at the church at the last minute. But Father was still standing there shaking hands. He shook my hand too.
I happened to find a seat beside Sister Kevin. I greeted her and sat down. I told myself if I could just rest my knee and concentrate on my breathing, the pain would be bearable. I started reflecting on how God probably wanted to tell me something. Maybe God wanted me to make changes to my life as to correspond better with my aging body. What changes to my life should I make? What sort of changes did God actually want me to do?
I was very moved by the beautiful singing in the church. Both Fr Francis Tran and the Seminarian, Mr Stephen Varney, were singing Mass. Both have such beautiful voices! The church choir sang very well too. Stephen was given the homily that morning. He pointed out that for some people the Priesthood can offer a fulfilling way of life. They may think that it might be too hard to stick to being a priest. Even though for most people it is right to get married, you may think about it that it is also often not easy to stick to being husband and wife. It all depends on what God wants you to do, doesn’t it?
Monday has come and gone, so has Tuesday. Today is Wednesday and the pain is still there. I can cope with it as long as I don’t do too much! I cancelled the walks with my neighbour, Irene. I didn’t even go to the pool on Monday or to the Thai Yoga class on Tuesday. Peter could have driven me to the pool. But I declined.
When Peter suggested on Tuesday, the first of May, we could drive to Berry and then further on to Hampden Bridge, I joyfully agreed to this. We had a lovely day out. The weather was perfect for an outing. The good thing was, I didn’t have to walk much. Peter took lots of pictures. I took quite a few pictures too, some of them out of the window from the car.
This leads to Peter’s blog about our outing and another blog about his thoughts to the 1st of May:
At the moment I do not want to think about seeing the doctor or the dentist or the optometrist. Within the next couple of months I ought to see all these people. Just now I only want to rest and get better.
Peter looks over the coast south of Kiama
From there we drove on to Berry where we had some pies for lunch. We also bought some cake at the Milkwood Bakery. This is a newly opened bakery in Queen Street. They are a branch of the Berry Sourdough Cafe in Prince Alfred Street, which is famous for very good breakfasts.
These are some autumn leaves in Berry and the following picture shows a tree with autumn leaves in this particular street in Berry
This is where we turned off from Berry taking the Tourist Drive to Hampden Bridge
We saw some unusual cloud formations on the way. This was one of them.
This is part of the Kangaroo Valley Road
Further along the Tourist Road
A gate to a property along the Road
Nearly there at the BridgeThis sign tells us that there are wombats in the areaAnd this sign tells us our way back home
Auntie, Sister. Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Mother and Wife of German Descent I’ve lived in Australia since 1959 together with my husband Peter. We have four children, eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. I started blogging because I wanted to publish some of my childhood memories. I am blogging now also some of my other memories. I like to publish some photos too as well as a little bit of a diary from the present time. Occasionally I publish a story with a bit of fiction in it. Peter, my husband, is publishing some of his stories under berlioz1935.wordpress.com View all posts by auntyuta
likeitizEditHello, Aunty Uta. Sad to hear you are in pain. Do you have arthritis? Or is this an old injury? I hope it’s been looked at and you are getting the right treatment for it.Reply
auntyutaEditThanks for your concern, dear Mary-Ann. It’s not an old injury. It’s probably old age, don’t you think?Reply
likeitizEditSome mild discomfort and initial stiffness that gradually alleviates with increased movement is natural in aging but not the pain you described. I would recommend that you have it examined if it recurs or persists. It may be something that’s easily treated. The last thing you want is something that will restrict your mobility. This would be very detrimental to your continued well-being.
auntyutaEditYou’re right, Mary-Ann. What you say makes a lot of sense to me. Actually Peter has to see his doctor for his annual check-up so he can keep his drivers’ license. In the past he liked to see his doctor at the Medical Centre Wednesday nights, when he was on night duty and there wasn’t a very long waiting time. We both tried to see this doctor last night. There were already ten people signed in waiting to see him. This would have meant a waiting time of more than two hours for us. After consultation with the receptionist we decided we would see the doctor early Friday morning, because on Thursday he’s not available. So I hope for the best now, that it can be easily treated.Reply
berlioz1935Edit“What does God wants you to do?”How can an atheist, like me, answer this question? Philosophers, sages and other wise people have thought about this important question for centuries. It is practical the same as asking, “What is the meaning of (my) life?”Let’s assume that your implied assumption is right and there is a God. I think he does not want you to do anything other than to be. His purpose for you falls under the inscrutable. Who knows what God wants you to do? Even bad people have a mission given to them by God. Think of Judas. Without him Jesus could have escaped capture or not? Even Jesus wasn’t sure what was happening when he asked, “Why have you forsaken me?” He of all people should have known that was his purpose.To say your cross is your hurting knee, might be a bit harsh, but it is a reminder that our bodies are subject to decay and sickness; two other aspects of God’s plans for you.And what if we assume there is no God? You have to take responsible action and be happy with what you done. Try to be sure within yourself. Every action is the basis for the next action – cause and effect. Resting in the church was the right thing to do. Seeing a doctor will be the next right thing to do.Reply
auntyutaEditThanks, Berlioz, for this comment. Of course I realise that seeing the doctor is going to be the next right thing to do. It looks I won’t be able to avoid it!Reply
berlioz1935EditHaving the outing with you was the right thing to do. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the clouds in the sky were performing in an artful way.The bakery in Berry is a French bakery and it felt like a trip to the “Provence” in the Autumn. The cake was delicious and the bread wholesome.Reply
auntyutaEditThe bit of “Provence” in Berry was indeed very welcome. I loved the whole outing. We are very blessed to live in such a beautiful area.Reply
reflectionsofaprodigalsonEditHi Uta,I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing some pain and I hope that you find some comfort soon.However, it would appear that, in spite of your pain, you still managed to find some enjoyment. Perhaps there is a lesson for us in that ie even in our most difficult moments, we can still find joy in our lives.Get better soon,CarthageReply
auntyutaEditHi Carthage,Oh yes, there’s a lot of enjoyment in life even in old age. Pain just tells me I have to change something. Maybe just slow down a bit more? Thank you very much for your good wishes. UtaReply
WordsFallFromMyEyesEditLOVED LOVED LOVED your pictures, and very much envy you! An excellent blog, & very interesting. I am sorry you appear to be n pain & I hope things even out, work out.Sincerely, Noeleen 9859 0132Reply
WordsFallFromMyEyesEditAunty Uta, I meant also to say that I think it’s great you do thai yoga & swimming. I think these things are perfect. I am genuinely sorry about your pain & I just don’t know what you can actually do, because I truly would have thought the swimming would do it. I truly hope you’re better at least today…And the pictures, sigh. Great camera!
auntyutaEditYou are right, Noeleen, thai yoga and swimming are perfect exercises for me or have been for as long as this arthritic pain didn’t overwhelm me. Yes, I found out now from the doctor that it has to do with arthritis. My knee was xrayed. So now I am on anti-imflammatory tablets. The doctor didn’t mention diet. Personally I think I ought to do some changes to my eating habits. Wish me luck with this, Noeleen! Thank you so much for thinking of me. I keep thinking about you a lot too!Reply
auntyutaEditBy the way, Noeleen, if you would like to see some more of those pictures we took last Tuesday, please go to Peter’s blog. If you go to the end of my writing (before the pictures start) you’re going to find the link. I think you’ll be interested in browsing through Peter’s blog!Reply
auntyutaEditActually Peter wrote about our excursion to Hampden Bridge in two parts. Both parts have some good photos in it.
WordsFallFromMyEyesEditI do wish you luck, Aunty Uta, all all luck! YOU CAN DO IT!!Reply
auntyutaEditReblogged this on AuntyUta and commented:I just have been reading again this old blog of mine and found it very interesting! And I love all the pictures in it! The links to Peter’s Blogs also are of great interest to me!
Today I wrote into the comment section of that post the following:
So, I’m thinking how I’m still useful towards the end of my life. Also, I can still enjoy my life, very much so! And I can still stay fairly independent, for instance by sizing down. The plan is, that I give up my home and keep only one small room which is to be wholly just for me. Today, I’ll write about this plan a bit more in a new post!
So, I want to write now about my still useful life. The plan is, that daughter Monika and granddaughter Natasha are going to take over my house. All I keep is just one small room! All my earthly possessions have to fit into this small room. That means a lot of de-cluttering for me! I hope my family can do this de-cluttering for me over the next six months or so. Hopefully, after about six months, the new owners may be ready to move into the house with all their stuff!
As I said we spent some time with Martin in Melbourne. But Martin also spent some time with us in Dapto. He arrived at our place right on time for our wedding anniversary. Christmas Eve we spent with him and Caroline and Matthew at the place of Monika and Mark.
Monika as well as Roxy with one month old Baby Carter came to see us for afternoon coffee the day of our wedding anniversary. Caroline and Matthew had moved to suitable accommodation in inner Sydney the weekend before, but were back in time for the anniversary.
We were only ten people at our Anniversary Lunch in Wollongong (including Baby Carter). Some working people in our family were glad when we suggested instead of taking time of work for the anniversary lunch, we could all together have some anniversary celebrations on Christmas Eve. Monika and Mark were happy to have these celebrations at the back of their house.
Usually the whole family would turn up at our place for Christmas Eve celebrations. This had always been the tradition in our family. In a way I was glad, that we did not have to have it this time at our place. It was the first year that we also did not bother to have a Christmas tree.
This is the sort of health food that Caroline likes to prepareWe did this Berlin Puzzle with Martin
Martin travelled with Peter and me to Melbourne. We left very early in the morning of the 27th of December. Peter drove up Macquarie Pass. (He knows this Pass very well!) After a stop at Moss Vale, Martin took over the driving. It was very good that Martin could take over a lot of the driving to Melbourne, but Peter drove part of the way too.
Matthew bought this Cognac. I quite liked a little bit of it.I am holding Baby Carter in Wollongong Hospital the day after he was born. He was born on the 21st of November 2016.
Why do I write? Because I have to. Nothing else is going to lift me out of this deep fog, that is threatening to become bigger and bigger. Or am I in a big hole right now, so that I have to struggle and struggle, to get out of it? But it seems, like only some minutes ago I was still rather happy in myself. I had absolutely no worries, that I couldn’t cope with. None what so ever. How can a mood change so quickly, I wonder. What brought that on? I was pretty resilient. Not anymore. How can that be? I do not understand myself.
Do I need to get some counselling now, or what? In the past some counselling by people I felt close to, has always helped me. Where are these people now? Is this a sign of very old age, that the people, that could help me now, have vanished from my sight? I still want my life to end soon, but why can I not live my last few days being happy and joyful the way I was until very recently? I was so looking forward to a joyful, high spirited passing!
Can I tell people, that I feel, it is better for me to pass away very soon rather than to struggle just to stay alive. When I tell people this is how I feel, would they just tell me, I need treatment for depression?
Where, oh where can I see the light in the tunnel? Until very recently I felt very happy to be living on my own at home. So, what has changed all of a sudden? How can I be so vulnerable? For nothing much has changed really. It is all in my mind.
I thought, Peter, my deceased husband, would want me to live the last few days of my life in as joyful a manner as possible. He must have known, how hard it would turn out to be for me, for he was devestated to leave me on my own. For a lot of the time, I thought, I did pretty well. However it was not to be for me to live a carefree, happy life all the time.
Just some tiny upsets can make me feel like I’m getting severe blows. How can that be? I have really everything a woman my age could wish for. So, I thought, I am very lucky, as lucky as can be. I should be grateful, that I can still enjoy everything in my life. And I was grateful, very grateful. So what has changed? I really could not tell you. It is my rapid aging, I think. It is so overwhelming, and coming on very, very suddenly, much too suddenly.
You can’t tell me, there is a cure for this rapid aging. Indeed. all this aging gets worse by the minute! And it is all natural. Isn’t it natural too, that I don’t want to do anything to prolong my life? If I get very low or very high blood pressure, who is to tell me I should get treatment for this? Treatment is to let me live a bit longer. Why should I want this?
Strangers, who look at me, say I am doing alright. I could live many more years. They do not see, what I feel like inside. I can very well hide, how I really feel. When I talk to my family about my feelings, they don’t believe me that I really want my life to end at any time very soon. I can’t think of anything, that would be likely to change my mind about wanting to die soon.
auntyutaEdit“Marianne’s Diary” I put on hold for the time being.Reply
auntyutaEditNearly three weeks ago, I put “Marianne’s Diary” on hold. Just now, I reread the whole story. It seems to me, the woman in my story was a bit dilusional! After all, she’s already 81. Why on earth would she want to have a “lover” at her age? A man three years younger than her, does not seem to be the right choice. This 78 year old man, who is used to living on his own, may probably not want to commit himself to a new relationsip. He would think, he is better off staying single, or having any number of partly intimate encounters without any long term commitment. And there are probably enough suitable women around, that would not want a serious commitment either! So, what would Marianne end up doing#? Maybe she would become a very loving and sociable nun! As a nun-like, single, very elderly woman she could live out her life remaining free from any commitment to anyone except for being committed to lead a life that God wants her to lead. Now, how about this?Reply
How can a single woman have an attractive single man as a close friendin a strictly platonic relationship?
Usually it might be rather unlikely that this kind of relationship remains strictly platonic if it is a rather close relationship where they communicate more or less constantly. All of a sudden, Marianne becomes aware, that, even though Jack really likes her as a friend, he is not at all interested in having an intimate relationship with her. He might sometimes say so, but his actions are more, that he likes the attention of other women.
She realises now, that she has to cut herself loose from Jack. There is no other way. She reckons, she may still have a chance of meeting someone else. Anyhow, she does like the idea to have the freedom to be able to perhaps go out on a date. It has been an awful long time since she has been dating anyone in a romantic way. She thinks back, how exciting it was, when she was dating Gunter, her husband, such a long time ago. On their first date they went to see a movie. And it was a great success!
Actually, she thinks back, that she met Gunter by going out with a girlfriend. You never know, this sort of thing, might still work. Going out with one of her woman friends might perhaps be a chance of meeting an attractive man in her age group! Maybe, there’s going to be a New Year’s Eve party at the Club that they could go to. Well, she thinks, whatever will be, will be. Marianne is determined to make the most of the last years of her life. There might not be many years left anyway. She just hopes, that she stays healthy enough for a bit longer. And for Jack she wishes good health too, and Good Luck!
Yesterday, Marianne was overjoyed, that Jack had finally come to see her, hoping, from now on they could see each other quite regularly, since they really lived close to each other. Why should they have to restrict themselves to seeing each other only online? It just didn’t make sense to her. When she thinks about it again, she decides, it might be best, to talk to her sister about the situation the way it was now.
So, a bit later that same day, Thursday, Marianne talked to her older sister, asking her about her opinion. Well, first of all she was glad, she could talk to someone close to her about what was going on in her life with Jack. Just being able to talk about him, was enough. Helga, her sister, did not really voice an opionion, but she listened intendly to what Marianne had to say. It felt so good to Marianne, that someone was listening! That she did not have to keep everything to herself.
Marianne’s sister Helga lives in Queensland. She is 87, but still has a partner who has an apartment not far away from where Helga lives. This partner, Udo, is 72 now, and Helga has been with him for about twenty years already. She did get to know him just a couple of years after her husband had died. Helga’s children objected to Udo all the time, finding all sorts of faults with him, and telling Helga, that Udo was not good for her. But Helga stuck by him. So, by and large, the children have accepted now their mother’s relationship with Udo.
The only thing Helga was saying about Jack, was, that maybe Jack was ready now to have a longterm relationship, but not to be too disappointed, if it did not work out the way she was hoping, but to just take it, the way it comes! Above all, she should avoid being pushy about it. That means, it might pay off, to just be very patient! So, possibly not to stop loving him, no matter what. She might keep in mind, that to love him just as a friend, could probably be very rewarding too!
It is true, Marianne and Jack had exchanged off and on quite a few emails to each other during the last twelve months or so. Seeing Jack in person yesterday Marianne found, thay Jack had not changed much at all from a few years ago when Marianne and Gunter had seen Jack and his wife Marie socially quite regularly. Marianne herself found of herself, that she had pobably changed quite a lot. Anyhow, Marianne was very pleased, to have been able to talk to Jack in person after so many years, and after having been receiving so many emails from him over the past twelve months. Jack does not live far away from her. So, she is wondering, does that mean now, that Jack would like to see her more often in future?
She is 81, and he is 78. The women he was dating, or having had affairs with, were usually quite a bit younger than he. However, from his recent emails to Marianne he gave the impression, that he did not seek a new relationship with a younger person. She is wondering, could she believe him? The question is, does he more or less look for a close relationship at all now? And is everything, he had said online in his emails, really true? She did not want to have doubts. But she was not so sure, whether this was right. Shouldn’t she have some doubts?
She wished there was someone, with whom she could talk about Jack. Did other people think it was possible for her to have a close relationship with Jack?
Today is the 8th of November. So, Christmas 2022 is coming up soon. For Marianne itis going to be the fourth Christmas without Gunter!
Shortly before Christmas, three years ago, was Gunter’s funeral. Jack came to the funeral with his friend, a woman in her fifties. Jack was happy to have such a friend ten years after his wife had passed away. Jack had had several girl friends over the past ten years, but nothing lasting. Jack was hoping, that the affair with his new friend might become somewhat longer lasting. Jack was relieved that Rose, his friend, had agreed to accompany him to the funeral. Gunter had been Gunter’s longtime business partner. So he could not very well stay away from this Catholic funeral service.Or was it a funeral Mass? He wasn’t sure.
Yes, it turned out, that it was a Mass. And there were some refreshments after Mass. Jack and Rose paid their respects to Marianne and her whole family. This had been the last time, that Jack had seen Marianne in nearly three years! However, after his separation from Rose he had started to write emails to Marianne. So for the last year or so, he had become pretty close to Marianne. He had been thinking for a while, he might pay her a visit! Well, today was the big day. He bought some flowers and a bottle of wine, and went to see her!
I like it, that I did get another very good response to that reblog as well as to the original page about wanting to write some fiction.
So with two good responses from my dear blogger friends I should really feel encouraged enough to start writing my novel, or shall I call it my novella? For I thought to restrict it to maybe 200 pages.
Last week I developed some major tooth problems. Some of it is under control now. But I’m afraid some more dental treatment is still required.
I already had quite a few challenges in my old age. This is another challenge now, that I could do without. But then I can also look at a lot of good things that have come my way recently and throughout my life!
Yes, I feel I’ve had a very rewarding life, and I like writing about it. That I cannot write much about persons in my life, who are alive, is a bummer, for I like to write about things that are autobiographical. But then, you’ll never know, I might get to like fictional writing even more!
likeitizEditHello, Aunty Uta. Sad to hear you are in pain. Do you have arthritis? Or is this an old injury? I hope it’s been looked at and you are getting the right treatment for it.Reply
auntyutaEditThanks for your concern, dear Mary-Ann. It’s not an old injury. It’s probably old age, don’t you think?Reply
berlioz1935Edit“What does God wants you to do?”How can an atheist, like me, answer this question? Philosophers, sages and other wise people have thought about this important question for centuries. It is practical the same as asking, “What is the meaning of (my) life?”Let’s assume that your implied assumption is right and there is a God. I think he does not want you to do anything other than to be. His purpose for you falls under the inscrutable. Who knows what God wants you to do? Even bad people have a mission given to them by God. Think of Judas. Without him Jesus could have escaped capture or not? Even Jesus wasn’t sure what was happening when he asked, “Why have you forsaken me?” He of all people should have known that was his purpose.To say your cross is your hurting knee, might be a bit harsh, but it is a reminder that our bodies are subject to decay and sickness; two other aspects of God’s plans for you.And what if we assume there is no God? You have to take responsible action and be happy with what you done. Try to be sure within yourself. Every action is the basis for the next action – cause and effect. Resting in the church was the right thing to do. Seeing a doctor will be the next right thing to do.Reply
reflectionsofaprodigalsonEditHi Uta,I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing some pain and I hope that you find some comfort soon.However, it would appear that, in spite of your pain, you still managed to find some enjoyment. Perhaps there is a lesson for us in that ie even in our most difficult moments, we can still find joy in our lives.Get better soon,CarthageReply
WordsFallFromMyEyesEditLOVED LOVED LOVED your pictures, and very much envy you! An excellent blog, & very interesting. I am sorry you appear to be n pain & I hope things even out, work out.Sincerely, Noeleen 9859 0132Reply
eof737EditSending you healing light and love… the answers will come.
Reply
AuntyUta 
