0:02what are the core
0:04uh reasons or the core things you see
0:05over and over that
0:07uh either end or make a relationship
0:10challenging to be in
0:11the longer end what are the what are the
0:13ones that what are the challenges that
0:14come up over and over that you see
0:17so there’s always three questions right
0:18what’s a driving relationship
0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
0:24and how do you fix it okay so you
0:25started with the middle question
0:27what goes wrong
0:30i think there’s a number of things in a
0:32relationship that that uh
0:33that becomes the the kind of uh
0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m
0:39not going to lease them in order but
0:41they all
0:41are part of each other
0:45indifference and contempt
0:48and neglect and violence are probably
0:51the four
0:52most important okay i’m not talking
0:54about big violence microaggressions are
0:56plenty
0:57indifference when you start to feel like
0:59the other person fundamentally is not
1:01really caring about you anymore or you
1:03don’t care about them
1:04what they feel what they think who they
1:06are what they’re about they
1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s
1:10more than losing of interest it’s also
1:12when you are doing different you degrade
1:14the other person they’re less important
1:16to you they don’t
1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in
1:20relationships is that we matter
1:22that is the essential reason for
1:23connecting to people is that we are
1:25creatures of meaning right
1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care
1:29about me
1:30you want my mail you want my well-being
1:32you’re proud of me
1:34you you want good for me you’re
1:36benevolent all of that when you are
1:38indifferent
1:39the whole thing goes and then you start
1:41to this that coldness that creeps in
1:43that sense of estrangement that complete
1:45disconnect
1:46that the second one is neglect neglect
1:49when people just basically take each
1:51other for granted
1:52you know they take more care of their
1:54car than of their partners their dog
1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard
1:59anything anything gets attendants
2:01their business for sure their business
2:03for sure you know everything gets
2:05priority everything gets
2:07reviewed evaluated attended to
2:11360s you name it you know new input
2:14my god it’s like people have this idea
2:16that they put it all
2:18in when they were dating and then once
2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if
2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they
2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they
2:26go into this kind of complete sense of
2:27complacency and laziness
2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this
2:31thing is just going to live on its own
2:33right like a cactus right violence
2:36violence the abuse the level of of
2:39disrespect i mean
2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else
2:44than their partner when a relationship
2:47because you can’t get away with it
2:49because you can’t get away with it
2:50because if you talk like this at work
2:52you’re gone
2:53because if you talk like this with the
2:55police you’re gone because if you talk
2:56like this on the street you’re being
2:58punched
2:59but with your partner you have that
3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway
3:02they’re just going to take it
3:04because it’s family and family is this
3:06kind of
3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so
3:08easily so
3:10you can just lash out at them and talk
3:12to them with a tone
3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking
3:18physical violence and all the other big
3:20big things you’re talking about
3:21aggression or resentment or
3:24all of that yeah all of that you know
3:25passive aggressiveness all those things
3:27yeah
3:27all of that and then and then um
3:30contempt i think is the top one
3:33contempt is the killer of them all right
3:35because in
3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s
3:38the degradation of there is
3:40is that that complete this you’re
3:42nothing you’re nothing
3:44i can kill you with that one guess that
3:46one eyebrow that goes up
3:48you know stuff do you who do you think
3:50you are what are
3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re
3:54done so how do we even get to this place
3:55of these
3:56these places after having been so in
3:58love and so romantic right
4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re
4:03not desiring the person anymore then we
4:04start to feel one of those categories
4:06or does that not play into look the
4:09truth is this
4:10there’s only two relationships that
4:13resemble
4:14each other the one you have with your
4:16parents or the people who raise you
4:18and the one you have with the people you
4:20fall in love with
4:21people can sit in my office all the time
4:23and say i have this with no one else
4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work
4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like
4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like
4:32this or thinks this about me or with
4:33whom i do this
4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go
4:38back in history
4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but
4:41that’s really
4:43it is the place where we often learned
4:46about
4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment
4:50sharing taking receiving asking
4:53all these essential verbs of
4:54relationships we learned that at home
4:56we also learned jealousy and
4:58possessiveness vengeance
5:00you name them the beauty and the not
5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children
5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love
5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness
5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we
5:11bring that with us and we often promise
5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one
5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk
5:17like this i’ll
5:18you know and we find ourselves often
5:21much
5:22closer to the apple and then presenting
5:24ourselves to the tree
5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we
5:27do that well why don’t we get to this
5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it
5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed
5:32about it we hide it
5:34and one of the way we hide it is we
5:36blame the partner
5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very
5:40resourceful in not owning our
5:42right exactly exactly wow okay
5:45um and where does sex play in all this
5:47and desire
5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating
5:52things for me
5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s
5:55probably
5:57one of the dimensions of relationship
5:59that has changed the most
6:01in a very very short amount of time for
6:04most of history and it’s still the
6:06majority of the world
6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital
6:10duty on the part of the woman
6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes
6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it
6:16and and men have the privilege to go and
6:19find sex elsewhere
6:21in a very short amount of time we’re
6:23talking 60 years
6:24we have contraception which is the
6:27liberation
6:28of women for the first time to free sex
6:30from reproduction from mortality
6:32from death in pregnancy and in
6:34childbirth sorry
6:35all of that and for the first time
6:37sexuality moves from just biology
6:39and a condition to a part of our
6:42identity
6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years
6:45the women’s movement
6:47which goes after the abuses of power
6:50the gay movement which introduces the
6:52concept of identity
6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for
6:56connection
6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first
6:59time we have sex before marriage
7:01and many times a lot we used to marry
7:04and have sex for the first time
7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with
7:08others
7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for
7:11life
7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and
7:14people go around telling you i’m
7:16monogamous in all my relationships
7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay
7:22all of that in a very short amount of
7:23time the fact that i
7:25choose you to marry or to live together
7:27doesn’t matter commitment
7:28because i’m attracted to you because you
7:31give me butterflies in my stomach
7:34and the fact that i think that if i
7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore
7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore
7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term
7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only
7:45desire i feel like it i want to
7:49not i have to not we want many kids
7:52after two kids the only reason to
7:54continue
7:54doing it with you is because we feel
7:56like it’s right right
7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels
8:00good it rounds up
8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s
8:04it and hopefully
8:05it’s at the same time and for each other
8:08because plenty of desire continues but
8:10it’s not always at home
8:12right exactly so this is an amazing
8:14revolution
8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how
8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became
8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic
8:23desire and how do we sustain desire
8:25because it is the
8:26first time ever that we have a grand
8:29experiment of the human kind where we
8:31want
8:31sex with one person in the long haul
8:34that is fun
8:35and connected and intimate and playful
8:38and we live twice as long go figure
8:41right exactly
8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it
8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing
8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re
8:49going to choose one partner
8:50and be with them until you know we’re
8:53both gone how do we navigate the
8:54challenge of
8:56keeping the desire continuously
9:00i think both men and women because the
9:02woman probably sees other men who are
9:03attracted to her
9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how
9:06do both parties do this
9:07look we know that women get bored with
9:10monogamy much sooner than men
9:12wow that’s research
9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that
9:17is men’s desire in long-term
9:19relationship
9:20goes down gradually he actually is much
9:23more able to remain interested
9:25and maybe just because he’s interested
9:26in the experience itself and he has a
9:28partner there
9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow
9:32and it’s always been translated as well
9:35that’s because women care less about sex
9:38rather than it’s because women care less
9:40about the sex that they can have
9:42in their committed relationships which
9:44is often not interesting enough for them
9:47and it often has to do with the fact
9:49that the story the character the plot
9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance
9:54which is an essential
9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman
9:58often disappears in the long-term
10:00relationship
10:01it’s like people look at each other at
10:03the end of the day and you want to fool
10:04around
10:05you want to do it you’re up for it
10:06tonight now this is really
10:08not this is not very much of a turn on
10:10for most women
10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts
10:14at the end of the previous orgasm
10:16you know and not five minutes before the
10:17real thing right which for her
10:19is not the real thing the whole the real
10:21thing is everything else
10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s
10:25creating a game
10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming
10:28close it’s a team history
10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that
10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you
10:35i come just a little bit so that you can
10:37come a little bit toward me and then i
10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go
10:40back a little bit too
10:41have you ever seen animals they do this
10:43kind of pacing
10:45and it is an essential playful
10:47ingredient
10:48of seduction and and excitement
10:51so women’s desire plummets but
10:54we interpret it as women are less
10:56interested in sex
10:57rather than women are interested in
10:59probably just about the same kind of
11:00things that many men are
11:02but women have always known what to
11:04choose above what turns them out which
11:06was what gives them stability and
11:08security
11:09security family someone to protect be
11:12there right
11:12so what people do look this is we
11:16want one partner today to give us
11:18everything that involves stability and
11:20security and everything that involves
11:22playfulness and mystery
11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want
11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have
11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me
11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want
11:31you to give me continuity and i want you
11:32to give me novelty
11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no
11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that
11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is
11:42desire
11:43desire is to own the wanting
11:46if you ask people a question that goes
11:48like this i turn myself
11:50off when i turn myself off by
11:54not you turn me off when and what turns
11:57me off is
11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when
12:00i do emails
12:02when i spend too much time on the phone
12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise
12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i
12:09don’t feel
12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel
12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when
12:15i’m not alive
12:16you will really hear that it has very
12:18little to do with sex
12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on
12:22when
12:23or by i awaken my desires
12:26not you turn me on when and what turns
12:29me on
12:30is which is i you responsible for my
12:32wanting right what people will talk to
12:34you about is
12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected
12:36with my friends when i get to do my
12:38sports
12:39when i play music when i listen to music
12:42it’s through stuff that gives me
12:44pleasure that is
12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that
12:48is
12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as
12:51life force
12:52and from that place people remain
12:55interested in having sex with somebody
12:57else for the long haul
12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their
13:00arms for two seconds
13:02it’s i feel good about myself
13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right
13:08confidence you ask people when do you
13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner
13:12every description has to do with when
13:15they’re in their element
13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with
13:18when when
13:19when they’re doing their sport when they
13:21when they are radiant
13:23when they are in their studio on the
13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when
13:27they are in their
13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take
13:31care of them
13:32they’re not depressed and down and
13:34lonely and sad
13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me
13:37because desire is about
13:39wanting you love is also about needing
13:42you
13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience
13:46in love
13:47and it is a very powerful
13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
13:50experience love and desire at the same
13:52time you
13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s
13:56the same as when you walk
13:58you have to move from one foot to the
14:00other a balance
14:01is not about staying on one side a
14:03balance is the ability to see
14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we
14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we
14:09can be playful we can break our own
14:11rules we can stay home and not go to
14:12work at eight o’clock
14:14right and now we are in a playful zone
14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing
14:19our own little transgressions home
14:21we are alive we’re not just being
14:23dutiful responsible
14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very
14:28small
14:29you know i mean i always think when i go
14:32and i see people at lunch
14:33and you see them talking and they’re
14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all
14:36i think who is here with their partner
14:41because you can see them they’re engaged
14:44they’re giving the best of themselves
14:45that’s erotic
14:47no the majority are not there with their
14:49partner they’re there with their friends
14:50with their colleagues their partner is
14:51going to get the leftover when they come
14:53home at night
14:54sorry you know what forget the night
14:56date meet at lunch
14:57when you actually have energy you know
14:59when you
15:00and and in the middle of the day like
15:02that when you’re awake when you have
15:03something to offer
15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t
15:07do it they don’t do it and you say
15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an
15:11hour extra at home in the morning and
15:13not just because when you have a
15:14headache
15:15and just say this matters to me all in
15:18all you know committed sex
15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna
15:22happen
15:23because whatever is gonna just happen
15:24already has so
15:26you’re going to make it happen because
15:28you say we matter
15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s
15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to
15:33make love or have so
15:34it just means we’re going to take this
15:36hour and there’s nothing else that
15:38matters in this moment but just you and
15:39i
15:40to be together to check in and then
15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic
15:44space
15:45in which sex may happen probably will
15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from
15:51which it is much more likely to emerge
15:53but people don’t do that they do the
15:55responsibility
15:56that’s the love right the citizen the
15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens
16:01the safe
16:02and then they say i’m bored
16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no
16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right
16:08exactly
16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word
16:11if you want desire
16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional
16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s
16:17really a risk on the emotional front is
16:20that
16:20i bring something else to you today
16:22differently from
16:24um differently from from the way i
16:26typically present myself sure
16:28you know how can i do this something
16:32what can i do today that will be
16:34different from the ways that i’ve done
16:36it until now
16:37how can i do something that i think
16:39would actually improve our relationship
16:41me right not something that i want or
16:45that you want but that i think would be
16:46actually good for us that third entity
16:49the us
16:50right and you check every time you know
16:54how often do you just go on the tried
16:57and trodden
16:58as in you know it works sex that just
17:01works
17:01for most people is really not
17:03interesting enough right so
17:04because what does it mean it works
17:06generally right
17:08what about the people listening or
17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of
17:10work that every day you have to change
17:12do something different and unique can be
17:14not every day not every day
17:16not every day but what you can do every
17:19day
17:20is just a quick check with yourself you
17:22know is there something that i should
17:24notice is there something that i can be
17:26thankful for is there
17:27a little note that i could write is
17:30there
17:31you know just a way that i can show up
17:33at time it’s small
17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing
17:39there is work and then there is the
17:41creative work
17:43you know i’m talking about the level
17:45that is creative
17:46and that elevates you and that actually
17:48gives you
17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel
17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake
17:55rather than this this is the other
17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s
18:00great but nothing happens here
18:02sure this this is alert
18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity
18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and
18:12you
18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of
18:14life
18:16this is please don’t bother me with
18:18anything because i don’t want any
18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been
18:22you know
18:23and this is the position that most
18:24people have at home
18:26so when people say it’s too much work
18:29um i basically say look
18:33you you if i was to say this in your
18:36business
18:37would you say this is too much work oh
18:39you would say
18:40that’s very good advice this is high
18:42rate consulting fees
18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think
18:48for a minute that your business would
18:49thrive
18:50if you let it languish like that
0:02what are the core
0:04uh reasons or the core things you see
0:05over and over that
0:07uh either end or make a relationship
0:10challenging to be in
0:11the longer end what are the what are the
0:13ones that what are the challenges that
0:14come up over and over that you see
0:17so there’s always three questions right
0:18what’s a driving relationship
0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
0:24and how do you fix it okay so you
0:25started with the middle question
0:27what goes wrong
0:30i think there’s a number of things in a
0:32relationship that that uh
0:33that becomes the the kind of uh
0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m
0:39not going to lease them in order but
0:41they all
0:41are part of each other
0:45indifference and contempt
0:48and neglect and violence are probably
0:51the four
0:52most important okay i’m not talking
0:54about big violence microaggressions are
0:56plenty
0:57indifference when you start to feel like
0:59the other person fundamentally is not
1:01really caring about you anymore or you
1:03don’t care about them
1:04what they feel what they think who they
1:06are what they’re about they
1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s
1:10more than losing of interest it’s also
1:12when you are doing different you degrade
1:14the other person they’re less important
1:16to you they don’t
1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in
1:20relationships is that we matter
1:22that is the essential reason for
1:23connecting to people is that we are
1:25creatures of meaning right
1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care
1:29about me
1:30you want my mail you want my well-being
1:32you’re proud of me
1:34you you want good for me you’re
1:36benevolent all of that when you are
1:38indifferent
1:39the whole thing goes and then you start
1:41to this that coldness that creeps in
1:43that sense of estrangement that complete
1:45disconnect
1:46that the second one is neglect neglect
1:49when people just basically take each
1:51other for granted
1:52you know they take more care of their
1:54car than of their partners their dog
1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard
1:59anything anything gets attendants
2:01their business for sure their business
2:03for sure you know everything gets
2:05priority everything gets
2:07reviewed evaluated attended to
2:11360s you name it you know new input
2:14my god it’s like people have this idea
2:16that they put it all
2:18in when they were dating and then once
2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if
2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they
2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they
2:26go into this kind of complete sense of
2:27complacency and laziness
2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this
2:31thing is just going to live on its own
2:33right like a cactus right violence
2:36violence the abuse the level of of
2:39disrespect i mean
2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else
2:44than their partner when a relationship
2:47because you can’t get away with it
2:49because you can’t get away with it
2:50because if you talk like this at work
2:52you’re gone
2:53because if you talk like this with the
2:55police you’re gone because if you talk
2:56like this on the street you’re being
2:58punched
2:59but with your partner you have that
3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway
3:02they’re just going to take it
3:04because it’s family and family is this
3:06kind of
3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so
3:08easily so
3:10you can just lash out at them and talk
3:12to them with a tone
3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking
3:18physical violence and all the other big
3:20big things you’re talking about
3:21aggression or resentment or
3:24all of that yeah all of that you know
3:25passive aggressiveness all those things
3:27yeah
3:27all of that and then and then um
3:30contempt i think is the top one
3:33contempt is the killer of them all right
3:35because in
3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s
3:38the degradation of there is
3:40is that that complete this you’re
3:42nothing you’re nothing
3:44i can kill you with that one guess that
3:46one eyebrow that goes up
3:48you know stuff do you who do you think
3:50you are what are
3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re
3:54done so how do we even get to this place
3:55of these
3:56these places after having been so in
3:58love and so romantic right
4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re
4:03not desiring the person anymore then we
4:04start to feel one of those categories
4:06or does that not play into look the
4:09truth is this
4:10there’s only two relationships that
4:13resemble
4:14each other the one you have with your
4:16parents or the people who raise you
4:18and the one you have with the people you
4:20fall in love with
4:21people can sit in my office all the time
4:23and say i have this with no one else
4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work
4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like
4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like
4:32this or thinks this about me or with
4:33whom i do this
4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go
4:38back in history
4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but
4:41that’s really
4:43it is the place where we often learned
4:46about
4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment
4:50sharing taking receiving asking
4:53all these essential verbs of
4:54relationships we learned that at home
4:56we also learned jealousy and
4:58possessiveness vengeance
5:00you name them the beauty and the not
5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children
5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love
5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness
5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we
5:11bring that with us and we often promise
5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one
5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk
5:17like this i’ll
5:18you know and we find ourselves often
5:21much
5:22closer to the apple and then presenting
5:24ourselves to the tree
5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we
5:27do that well why don’t we get to this
5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it
5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed
5:32about it we hide it
5:34and one of the way we hide it is we
5:36blame the partner
5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very
5:40resourceful in not owning our
5:42right exactly exactly wow okay
5:45um and where does sex play in all this
5:47and desire
5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating
5:52things for me
5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s
5:55probably
5:57one of the dimensions of relationship
5:59that has changed the most
6:01in a very very short amount of time for
6:04most of history and it’s still the
6:06majority of the world
6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital
6:10duty on the part of the woman
6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes
6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it
6:16and and men have the privilege to go and
6:19find sex elsewhere
6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first
6:59time we have sex before marriage
7:01and many times a lot we used to marry
7:04and have sex for the first time
7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with
7:08others
7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for
7:11life
7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and
7:14people go around telling you i’m
7:16monogamous in all my relationships
7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay
7:22all of that in a very short amount of
7:23time the fact that i
7:25choose you to marry or to live together
7:27doesn’t matter commitment
7:28because i’m attracted to you because you
7:31give me butterflies in my stomach
7:34and the fact that i think that if i
7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore
7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore
7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term
7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only
7:45desire i feel like it i want to
7:49not i have to not we want many kids
7:52after two kids the only reason to
7:54continue
7:54doing it with you is because we feel
7:56like it’s right right
7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels
8:00good it rounds up
8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s
8:04it and hopefully
8:05it’s at the same time and for each other
8:08because plenty of desire continues but
8:10it’s not always at home
8:12right exactly so this is an amazing
8:14revolution
8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how
8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became
8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic
8:23desire and how do we sustain desire
8:25because it is the
8:26first time ever that we have a grand
8:29experiment of the human kind where we
8:31want
8:31sex with one person in the long haul
8:34that is fun
8:35and connected and intimate and playful
8:38and we live twice as long go figure
8:41right exactly
8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it
8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing
8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re
8:49going to choose one partner
8:50and be with them until you know we’re
8:53both gone how do we navigate the
8:54challenge of
8:56keeping the desire continuously
9:00i think both men and women because the
9:02woman probably sees other men who are
9:03attracted to her
9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how
9:06do both parties do this
9:07look we know that women get bored with
9:10monogamy much sooner than men
9:12wow that’s research
9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that
9:17is men’s desire in long-term
9:19relationship
9:20goes down gradually he actually is much
9:23more able to remain interested
9:25and maybe just because he’s interested
9:26in the experience itself and he has a
9:28partner there
9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow
9:32and it’s always been translated as well
9:35that’s because women care less about sex
9:38rather than it’s because women care less
9:40about the sex that they can have
9:42in their committed relationships which
9:44is often not interesting enough for them
9:47and it often has to do with the fact
9:49that the story the character the plot
9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance
9:54which is an essential
9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman
9:58often disappears in the long-term
10:00relationship
10:01it’s like people look at each other at
10:03the end of the day and you want to fool
10:04around
10:05you want to do it you’re up for it
10:06tonight now this is really
10:08not this is not very much of a turn on
10:10for most women
10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts
10:14at the end of the previous orgasm
10:16you know and not five minutes before the
10:17real thing right which for her
10:19is not the real thing the whole the real
10:21thing is everything else
10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s
10:25creating a game
10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming
10:28close it’s a team history
10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that
10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you
10:35i come just a little bit so that you can
10:37come a little bit toward me and then i
10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go
10:40back a little bit too
10:41have you ever seen animals they do this
10:43kind of pacing
10:45and it is an essential playful
10:47ingredient
10:48of seduction and and excitement
10:51so women’s desire plummets but
10:54we interpret it as women are less
10:56interested in sex
10:57rather than women are interested in
10:59probably just about the same kind of
11:00things that many men are
11:02but women have always known what to
11:04choose above what turns them out which
11:06was what gives them stability and
11:08security
11:09security family someone to protect be
11:12there right
11:12so what people do look this is we
11:16want one partner today to give us
11:18everything that involves stability and
11:20security and everything that involves
11:22playfulness and mystery
11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want
11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have
11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me
11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want
11:31you to give me continuity and i want you
11:32to give me novelty
11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no
11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that
11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is
11:42desire
11:43desire is to own the wanting
11:46if you ask people a question that goes
11:48like this i turn myself
11:50off when i turn myself off by
11:54not you turn me off when and what turns
11:57me off is
11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when
12:00i do emails
12:02when i spend too much time on the phone
12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise
12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i
12:09don’t feel
12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel
12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when
12:15i’m not alive
12:16you will really hear that it has very
12:18little to do with sex
12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on
12:22when
12:23or by i awaken my desires
12:26not you turn me on when and what turns
12:29me on
12:30is which is i you responsible for my
12:32wanting right what people will talk to
12:34you about is
12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected
12:36with my friends when i get to do my
12:38sports
12:39when i play music when i listen to music
12:42it’s through stuff that gives me
12:44pleasure that is
12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that
12:48is
12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as
12:51life force
12:52and from that place people remain
12:55interested in having sex with somebody
12:57else for the long haul
12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their
13:00arms for two seconds
13:02it’s i feel good about myself
13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right
13:08confidence you ask people when do you
13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner
13:12every description has to do with when
13:15they’re in their element
13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with
13:18when when
13:19when they’re doing their sport when they
13:21when they are radiant
13:23when they are in their studio on the
13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when
13:27they are in their
13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take
13:31care of them
13:32they’re not depressed and down and
13:34lonely and sad
13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me
13:37because desire is about
13:39wanting you love is also about needing
13:42you
13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience
13:46in love
13:47and it is a very powerful
13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
13:50experience love and desire at the same
13:52time you
13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s
13:56the same as when you walk
13:58you have to move from one foot to the
14:00other a balance
14:01is not about staying on one side a
14:03balance is the ability to see
14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we
14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we
14:09can be playful we can break our own
14:11rules we can stay home and not go to
14:12work at eight o’clock
14:14right and now we are in a playful zone
14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing
14:19our own little transgressions home
14:21we are alive we’re not just being
14:23dutiful responsible
14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very
14:28small
14:29you know i mean i always think when i go
14:32and i see people at lunch
14:33and you see them talking and they’re
14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all
14:36i think who is here with their partner
14:41because you can see them they’re engaged
14:44they’re giving the best of themselves
14:45that’s erotic
14:47no the majority are not there with their
14:49partner they’re there with their friends
14:50with their colleagues their partner is
14:51going to get the leftover when they come
14:53home at night
14:54sorry you know what forget the night
14:56date meet at lunch
14:57when you actually have energy you know
14:59when you
15:00and and in the middle of the day like
15:02that when you’re awake when you have
15:03something to offer
15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t
15:07do it they don’t do it and you say
15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an
15:11hour extra at home in the morning and
15:13not just because when you have a
15:14headache
15:15and just say this matters to me all in
15:18all you know committed sex
15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna
15:22happen
15:23because whatever is gonna just happen
15:24already has so
15:26you’re going to make it happen because
15:28you say we matter
15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s
15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to
15:33make love or have so
15:34it just means we’re going to take this
15:36hour and there’s nothing else that
15:38matters in this moment but just you and
15:39i
15:40to be together to check in and then
15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic
15:44space
15:45in which sex may happen probably will
15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from
15:51which it is much more likely to emerge
15:53but people don’t do that they do the
15:55responsibility
15:56that’s the love right the citizen the
15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens
16:01the safe
16:02and then they say i’m bored
16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no
16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right
16:08exactly
16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word
16:11if you want desire
16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional
16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s
16:17really a risk on the emotional front is
16:20that
16:20i bring something else to you today
16:22differently from
16:24um differently from from the way i
16:26typically present myself sure
16:28you know how can i do this something
16:32what can i do today that will be
16:34different from the ways that i’ve done
16:36it until now
16:37how can i do something that i think
16:39would actually improve our relationship
16:41me right not something that i want or
16:45that you want but that i think would be
16:46actually good for us that third entity
16:49the us
16:50right and you check every time you know
16:54how often do you just go on the tried
16:57and trodden
16:58as in you know it works sex that just
17:01works
17:01for most people is really not
17:03interesting enough right so
17:04because what does it mean it works
17:06generally right
17:08what about the people listening or
17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of
17:10work that every day you have to change
17:12do something different and unique can be
17:14not every day not every day
17:16not every day but what you can do every
17:19day
17:20is just a quick check with yourself you
17:22know is there something that i should
17:24notice is there something that i can be
17:26thankful for is there
17:27a little note that i could write is
17:30there
17:31you know just a way that i can show up
17:33at time it’s small
17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing
17:39there is work and then there is the
17:41creative work
17:43you know i’m talking about the level
17:45that is creative
17:46and that elevates you and that actually
17:48gives you
17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel
17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake
17:55rather than this this is the other
17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s
18:00great but nothing happens here
18:02sure this this is alert
18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity
18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and
18:12you
18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of
18:14life
18:16this is please don’t bother me with
18:18anything because i don’t want any
18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been
18:22you know
18:23and this is the position that most
18:24people have at home
18:26so when people say it’s too much work
18:29um i basically say look
18:33you you if i was to say this in your
18:36business
18:37would you say this is too much work oh
18:39you would say
18:40that’s very good advice this is high
18:42rate consulting fees
18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think
18:48for a minute that your business would
18:49thrive
18:50if you let it languish like that
0:02what are the core
0:04uh reasons or the core things you see
0:05over and over that
0:07uh either end or make a relationship
0:10challenging to be in
0:11the longer end what are the what are the
0:13ones that what are the challenges that
0:14come up over and over that you see
0:17so there’s always three questions right
0:18what’s a driving relationship
0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
0:24and how do you fix it okay so you
0:25started with the middle question
0:27what goes wrong
0:30i think there’s a number of things in a
0:32relationship that that uh
0:33that becomes the the kind of uh
0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m
0:39not going to lease them in order but
0:41they all
0:41are part of each other
0:45indifference and contempt
0:48and neglect and violence are probably
0:51the four
0:52most important okay i’m not talking
0:54about big violence microaggressions are
0:56plenty
0:57indifference when you start to feel like
0:59the other person fundamentally is not
1:01really caring about you anymore or you
1:03don’t care about them
1:04what they feel what they think who they
1:06are what they’re about they
1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s
1:10more than losing of interest it’s also
1:12when you are doing different you degrade
1:14the other person they’re less important
1:16to you they don’t
1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in
1:20relationships is that we matter
1:22that is the essential reason for
1:23connecting to people is that we are
1:25creatures of meaning right
1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care
1:29about me
1:30you want my mail you want my well-being
1:32you’re proud of me
1:34you you want good for me you’re
1:36benevolent all of that when you are
1:38indifferent
1:39the whole thing goes and then you start
1:41to this that coldness that creeps in
1:43that sense of estrangement that complete
1:45disconnect
1:46that the second one is neglect neglect
1:49when people just basically take each
1:51other for granted
1:52you know they take more care of their
1:54car than of their partners their dog
1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard
1:59anything anything gets attendants
2:01their business for sure their business
2:03for sure you know everything gets
2:05priority everything gets
2:07reviewed evaluated attended to
2:11360s you name it you know new input
2:14my god it’s like people have this idea
2:16that they put it all
2:18in when they were dating and then once
2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if
2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they
2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they
2:26go into this kind of complete sense of
2:27complacency and laziness
2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this
2:31thing is just going to live on its own
2:33right like a cactus right violence
2:36violence the abuse the level of of
2:39disrespect i mean
2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else
2:44than their partner when a relationship
2:47because you can’t get away with it
2:49because you can’t get away with it
2:50because if you talk like this at work
2:52you’re gone
2:53because if you talk like this with the
2:55police you’re gone because if you talk
2:56like this on the street you’re being
2:58punched
2:59but with your partner you have that
3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway
3:02they’re just going to take it
3:04because it’s family and family is this
3:06kind of
3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so
3:08easily so
3:10you can just lash out at them and talk
3:12to them with a tone
3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking
3:18physical violence and all the other big
3:20big things you’re talking about
3:21aggression or resentment or
3:24all of that yeah all of that you know
3:25passive aggressiveness all those things
3:27yeah
3:27all of that and then and then um
3:30contempt i think is the top one
3:33contempt is the killer of them all right
3:35because in
3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s
3:38the degradation of there is
3:40is that that complete this you’re
3:42nothing you’re nothing
3:44i can kill you with that one guess that
3:46one eyebrow that goes up
3:48you know stuff do you who do you think
3:50you are what are
3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re
3:54done so how do we even get to this place
3:55of these
3:56these places after having been so in
3:58love and so romantic right
4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re
4:03not desiring the person anymore then we
4:04start to feel one of those categories
4:06or does that not play into look the
4:09truth is this
4:10there’s only two relationships that
4:13resemble
4:14each other the one you have with your
4:16parents or the people who raise you
4:18and the one you have with the people you
4:20fall in love with
4:21people can sit in my office all the time
4:23and say i have this with no one else
4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work
4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like
4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like
4:32this or thinks this about me or with
4:33whom i do this
4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go
4:38back in history
4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but
4:41that’s really
4:43it is the place where we often learned
4:46about
4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment
4:50sharing taking receiving asking
4:53all these essential verbs of
4:54relationships we learned that at home
4:56we also learned jealousy and
4:58possessiveness vengeance
5:00you name them the beauty and the not
5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children
5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love
5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness
5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we
5:11bring that with us and we often promise
5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one
5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk
5:17like this i’ll
5:18you know and we find ourselves often
5:21much
5:22closer to the apple and then presenting
5:24ourselves to the tree
5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we
5:27do that well why don’t we get to this
5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it
5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed
5:32about it we hide it
5:34and one of the way we hide it is we
5:36blame the partner
5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very
5:40resourceful in not owning our
5:42right exactly exactly wow okay
5:45um and where does sex play in all this
5:47and desire
5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating
5:52things for me
5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s
5:55probably
5:57one of the dimensions of relationship
5:59that has changed the most
6:01in a very very short amount of time for
6:04most of history and it’s still the
6:06majority of the world
6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital
6:10duty on the part of the woman
6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes
6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it
6:16and and men have the privilege to go and
6:19find sex elsewhere
7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore
7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore
7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term
7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only
7:45desire i feel like it i want to
7:49not i have to not we want many kids
7:52after two kids the only reason to
7:54continue
7:54doing it with you is because we feel
7:56like it’s right right
7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels
8:00good it rounds up
8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s
8:04it and hopefully
8:05it’s at the same time and for each other
8:08because plenty of desire continues but
8:10it’s not always at home
8:12right exactly so this is an amazing
8:14revolution
8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how
8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became
8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic
8:23desire and how do we sustain desire
8:25because it is the
8:26first time ever that we have a grand
8:29experiment of the human kind where we
8:31want
8:31sex with one person in the long haul
8:34that is fun
8:35and connected and intimate and playful
8:38and we live twice as long go figure
8:41right exactly
8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it
8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing
8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re
8:49going to choose one partner
8:50and be with them until you know we’re
8:53both gone how do we navigate the
8:54challenge of
8:56keeping the desire continuously
9:00i think both men and women because the
9:02woman probably sees other men who are
9:03attracted to her
9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how
9:06do both parties do this
9:07look we know that women get bored with
9:10monogamy much sooner than men
9:12wow that’s research
9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that
9:17is men’s desire in long-term
9:19relationship
9:20goes down gradually he actually is much
9:23more able to remain interested
9:25and maybe just because he’s interested
9:26in the experience itself and he has a
9:28partner there
9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow
9:32and it’s always been translated as well
9:35that’s because women care less about sex
9:38rather than it’s because women care less
9:40about the sex that they can have
9:42in their committed relationships which
9:44is often not interesting enough for them
9:47and it often has to do with the fact
9:49that the story the character the plot
9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance
9:54which is an essential
9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman
9:58often disappears in the long-term
10:00relationship
10:01it’s like people look at each other at
10:03the end of the day and you want to fool
10:04around
10:05you want to do it you’re up for it
10:06tonight now this is really
10:08not this is not very much of a turn on
10:10for most women
10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts
10:14at the end of the previous orgasm
10:16you know and not five minutes before the
10:17real thing right which for her
10:19is not the real thing the whole the real
10:21thing is everything else
10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s
10:25creating a game
10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming
10:28close it’s a team history
10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that
10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you
10:35i come just a little bit so that you can
10:37come a little bit toward me and then i
10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go
10:40back a little bit too
10:41have you ever seen animals they do this
10:43kind of pacing
10:45and it is an essential playful
10:47ingredient
10:48of seduction and and excitement
10:51so women’s desire plummets but
10:54we interpret it as women are less
10:56interested in sex
10:57rather than women are interested in
10:59probably just about the same kind of
11:00things that many men are
11:02but women have always known what to
11:04choose above what turns them out which
11:06was what gives them stability and
11:08security
11:09security family someone to protect be
11:12there right
11:12so what people do look this is we
11:16want one partner today to give us
11:18everything that involves stability and
11:20security and everything that involves
11:22playfulness and mystery
11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want
11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have
11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me
11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want
11:31you to give me continuity and i want you
11:32to give me novelty
11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no
11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that
11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is
11:42desire
11:43desire is to own the wanting
11:46if you ask people a question that goes
11:48like this i turn myself
11:50off when i turn myself off by
11:54not you turn me off when and what turns
11:57me off is
11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when
12:00i do emails
12:02when i spend too much time on the phone
12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise
12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i
12:09don’t feel
12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel
12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when
12:15i’m not alive
12:16you will really hear that it has very
12:18little to do with sex
12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on
12:22when
12:23or by i awaken my desires
12:26not you turn me on when and what turns
12:29me on
12:30is which is i you responsible for my
12:32wanting right what people will talk to
12:34you about is
12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected
12:36with my friends when i get to do my
12:38sports
12:39when i play music when i listen to music
12:42it’s through stuff that gives me
12:44pleasure that is
12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that
12:48is
12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as
12:51life force
12:52and from that place people remain
12:55interested in having sex with somebody
12:57else for the long haul
12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their
13:00arms for two seconds
13:02it’s i feel good about myself
13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right
13:08confidence you ask people when do you
13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner
13:12every description has to do with when
13:15they’re in their element
13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with
13:18when when
13:19when they’re doing their sport when they
13:21when they are radiant
13:23when they are in their studio on the
13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when
13:27they are in their
13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take
13:31care of them
13:32they’re not depressed and down and
13:34lonely and sad
13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me
13:37because desire is about
13:39wanting you love is also about needing
13:42you
13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience
13:46in love
13:47and it is a very powerful
13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
13:50experience love and desire at the same
13:52time you
13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s
13:56the same as when you walk
13:58you have to move from one foot to the
14:00other a balance
14:01is not about staying on one side a
14:03balance is the ability to see
14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we
14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we
14:09can be playful we can break our own
14:11rules we can stay home and not go to
14:12work at eight o’clock
14:14right and now we are in a playful zone
14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing
14:19our own little transgressions home
14:21we are alive we’re not just being
14:23dutiful responsible
14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very
14:28small
14:29you know i mean i always think when i go
14:32and i see people at lunch
14:33and you see them talking and they’re
14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all
14:36i think who is here with their partner
14:41because you can see them they’re engaged
14:44they’re giving the best of themselves
14:45that’s erotic
14:47no the majority are not there with their
14:49partner they’re there with their friends
14:50with their colleagues their partner is
14:51going to get the leftover when they come
14:53home at night
14:54sorry you know what forget the night
14:56date meet at lunch
14:57when you actually have energy you know
14:59when you
15:00and and in the middle of the day like
15:02that when you’re awake when you have
15:03something to offer
15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t
15:07do it they don’t do it and you say
15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an
15:11hour extra at home in the morning and
15:13not just because when you have a
15:14headache
15:15and just say this matters to me all in
15:18all you know committed sex
15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna
15:22happen
15:23because whatever is gonna just happen
15:24already has so
15:26you’re going to make it happen because
15:28you say we matter
15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s
15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to
15:33make love or have so
15:34it just means we’re going to take this
15:36hour and there’s nothing else that
15:38matters in this moment but just you and
15:39i
15:40to be together to check in and then
15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic
15:44space
15:45in which sex may happen probably will
15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from
15:51which it is much more likely to emerge
15:53but people don’t do that they do the
15:55responsibility
15:56that’s the love right the citizen the
15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens
16:01the safe
16:02and then they say i’m bored
16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no
16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right
16:08exactly
16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word
16:11if you want desire
16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional
16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s
16:17really a risk on the emotional front is
16:20that
16:20i bring something else to you today
16:22differently from
16:24um differently from from the way i
16:26typically present myself sure
16:28you know how can i do this something
16:32what can i do today that will be
16:34different from the ways that i’ve done
16:36it until now
16:37how can i do something that i think
16:39would actually improve our relationship
16:41me right not something that i want or
16:45that you want but that i think would be
16:46actually good for us that third entity
16:49the us
16:50right and you check every time you know
16:54how often do you just go on the tried
16:57and trodden
16:58as in you know it works sex that just
17:01works
17:01for most people is really not
17:03interesting enough right so
17:04because what does it mean it works
17:06generally right
17:08what about the people listening or
17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of
17:10work that every day you have to change
17:12do something different and unique can be
17:14not every day not every day
17:16not every day but what you can do every
17:19day
17:20is just a quick check with yourself you
17:22know is there something that i should
17:24notice is there something that i can be
17:26thankful for is there
17:27a little note that i could write is
17:30there
17:31you know just a way that i can show up
17:33at time it’s small
17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing
17:39there is work and then there is the
17:41creative work
17:43you know i’m talking about the level
17:45that is creative
17:46and that elevates you and that actually
17:48gives you
17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel
17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake
17:55rather than this this is the other
17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s
18:00great but nothing happens here
18:02sure this this is alert
18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity
18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and
18:12you
18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of
18:14life
18:16this is please don’t bother me with
18:18anything because i don’t want any
18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been
18:22you know
18:23and this is the position that most
18:24people have at home
18:26so when people say it’s too much work
18:29um i basically say look
18:33you you if i was to say this in your
18:36business
18:37would you say this is too much work oh
18:39you would say
18:40that’s very good advice this is high
18:42rate consulting fees
18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think
18:48for a minute that your business would
18:49thrive
18:50if you let it languish like that
0:02what are the core
0:04uh reasons or the core things you see
0:05over and over that
0:07uh either end or make a relationship
0:10challenging to be in
0:11the longer end what are the what are the
0:13ones that what are the challenges that
0:14come up over and over that you see
0:17so there’s always three questions right
0:18what’s a driving relationship
0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
0:24and how do you fix it okay so you
0:25started with the middle question
0:27what goes wrong
0:30i think there’s a number of things in a
0:32relationship that that uh
0:33that becomes the the kind of uh
0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m
0:39not going to lease them in order but
0:41they all
0:41are part of each other
0:45indifference and contempt
0:48and neglect and violence are probably
0:51the four
0:52most important okay i’m not talking
0:54about big violence microaggressions are
0:56plenty
0:57indifference when you start to feel like
0:59the other person fundamentally is not
1:01really caring about you anymore or you
1:03don’t care about them
1:04what they feel what they think who they
1:06are what they’re about they
1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s
1:10more than losing of interest it’s also
1:12when you are doing different you degrade
1:14the other person they’re less important
1:16to you they don’t
1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in
1:20relationships is that we matter
1:22that is the essential reason for
1:23connecting to people is that we are
1:25creatures of meaning right
1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care
1:29about me
1:30you want my mail you want my well-being
1:32you’re proud of me
1:34you you want good for me you’re
1:36benevolent all of that when you are
1:38indifferent
1:39the whole thing goes and then you start
1:41to this that coldness that creeps in
1:43that sense of estrangement that complete
1:45disconnect
1:46that the second one is neglect neglect
1:49when people just basically take each
1:51other for granted
1:52you know they take more care of their
1:54car than of their partners their dog
1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard
1:59anything anything gets attendants
2:01their business for sure their business
2:03for sure you know everything gets
2:05priority everything gets
2:07reviewed evaluated attended to
2:11360s you name it you know new input
2:14my god it’s like people have this idea
2:16that they put it all
2:18in when they were dating and then once
2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if
2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they
2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they
2:26go into this kind of complete sense of
2:27complacency and laziness
2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this
2:31thing is just going to live on its own
2:33right like a cactus right violence
2:36violence the abuse the level of of
2:39disrespect i mean
2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else
2:44than their partner when a relationship
2:47because you can’t get away with it
2:49because you can’t get away with it
2:50because if you talk like this at work
2:52you’re gone
2:53because if you talk like this with the
2:55police you’re gone because if you talk
2:56like this on the street you’re being
2:58punched
2:59but with your partner you have that
3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway
3:02they’re just going to take it
3:04because it’s family and family is this
3:06kind of
3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so
3:08easily so
3:10you can just lash out at them and talk
3:12to them with a tone
3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking
3:18physical violence and all the other big
3:20big things you’re talking about
3:21aggression or resentment or
3:24all of that yeah all of that you know
3:25passive aggressiveness all those things
3:27yeah
3:27all of that and then and then um
3:30contempt i think is the top one
3:33contempt is the killer of them all right
3:35because in
3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s
3:38the degradation of there is
3:40is that that complete this you’re
3:42nothing you’re nothing
3:44i can kill you with that one guess that
3:46one eyebrow that goes up
3:48you know stuff do you who do you think
3:50you are what are
3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re
3:54done so how do we even get to this place
3:55of these
3:56these places after having been so in
3:58love and so romantic right
4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re
4:03not desiring the person anymore then we
4:04start to feel one of those categories
4:06or does that not play into look the
4:09truth is this
4:10there’s only two relationships that
4:13resemble
4:14each other the one you have with your
4:16parents or the people who raise you
4:18and the one you have with the people you
4:20fall in love with
4:21people can sit in my office all the time
4:23and say i have this with no one else
4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work
4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like
4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like
4:32this or thinks this about me or with
4:33whom i do this
4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go
4:38back in history
4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but
4:41that’s really
4:43it is the place where we often learned
4:46about
4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment
4:50sharing taking receiving asking
4:53all these essential verbs of
4:54relationships we learned that at home
4:56we also learned jealousy and
4:58possessiveness vengeance
5:00you name them the beauty and the not
5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children
5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love
5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness
5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we
5:11bring that with us and we often promise
5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one
5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk
5:17like this i’ll
5:18you know and we find ourselves often
5:21much
5:22closer to the apple and then presenting
5:24ourselves to the tree
5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we
5:27do that well why don’t we get to this
5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it
5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed
5:32about it we hide it
5:34and one of the way we hide it is we
5:36blame the partner
5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very
5:40resourceful in not owning our
5:42right exactly exactly wow okay
5:45um and where does sex play in all this
5:47and desire
5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating
5:52things for me
5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s
5:55probably
5:57one of the dimensions of relationship
5:59that has changed the most
6:01in a very very short amount of time for
6:04most of history and it’s still the
6:06majority of the world
6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital
6:10duty on the part of the woman
6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes
6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it
6:16and and men have the privilege to go and
6:19find sex elsewhere
6:21in a very short amount of time we’re
6:23talking 60 years
6:24we have contraception which is the
6:27liberation
6:28of women for the first time to free sex
6:30from reproduction from mortality
6:32from death in pregnancy and in
6:34childbirth sorry
6:35all of that and for the first time
6:37sexuality moves from just biology
6:39and a condition to a part of our
6:42identity
6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years
6:45the women’s movement
6:47which goes after the abuses of power
6:50the gay movement which introduces the
6:52concept of identity
6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for
6:56connection
6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first
6:59time we have sex before marriage
7:01and many times a lot we used to marry
7:04and have sex for the first time
7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with
7:08others
7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for
7:11life
7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and
7:14people go around telling you i’m
7:16monogamous in all my relationships
7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay
7:22all of that in a very short amount of
7:23time the fact that i
7:25choose you to marry or to live together
7:27doesn’t matter commitment
7:28because i’m attracted to you because you
7:31give me butterflies in my stomach
7:34and the fact that i think that if i
7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore
7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore
7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term
7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only
7:45desire i feel like it i want to
7:49not i have to not we want many kids
7:52after two kids the only reason to
7:54continue
7:54doing it with you is because we feel
7:56like it’s right right
7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels
8:00good it rounds up
8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s
8:04it and hopefully
8:05it’s at the same time and for each other
8:08because plenty of desire continues but
8:10it’s not always at home
8:12right exactly so this is an amazing
8:14revolution
8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how
8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became
8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic
8:23desire and how do we sustain desire
8:25because it is the
8:26first time ever that we have a grand
8:29experiment of the human kind where we
8:31want
8:31sex with one person in the long haul
8:34that is fun
8:35and connected and intimate and playful
8:38and we live twice as long go figure
8:41right exactly
8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it
8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing
8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re
8:49going to choose one partner
8:50and be with them until you know we’re
8:53both gone how do we navigate the
8:54challenge of
8:56keeping the desire continuously
9:00i think both men and women because the
9:02woman probably sees other men who are
9:03attracted to her
9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how
9:06do both parties do this
9:07look we know that women get bored with
9:10monogamy much sooner than men
9:12wow that’s research
9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that
9:17is men’s desire in long-term
9:19relationship
9:20goes down gradually he actually is much
9:23more able to remain interested
9:25and maybe just because he’s interested
9:26in the experience itself and he has a
9:28partner there
9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow
9:32and it’s always been translated as well
9:35that’s because women care less about sex
9:38rather than it’s because women care less
9:40about the sex that they can have
9:42in their committed relationships which
9:44is often not interesting enough for them
9:47and it often has to do with the fact
9:49that the story the character the plot
9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance
9:54which is an essential
9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman
9:58often disappears in the long-term
10:00relationship
10:01it’s like people look at each other at
10:03the end of the day and you want to fool
10:04around
10:05you want to do it you’re up for it
10:06tonight now this is really
10:08not this is not very much of a turn on
10:10for most women
10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts
10:14at the end of the previous orgasm
10:16you know and not five minutes before the
10:17real thing right which for her
10:19is not the real thing the whole the real
10:21thing is everything else
10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s
10:25creating a game
10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming
10:28close it’s a team history
10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that
10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you
10:35i come just a little bit so that you can
10:37come a little bit toward me and then i
10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go
10:40back a little bit too
10:41have you ever seen animals they do this
10:43kind of pacing
10:45and it is an essential playful
10:47ingredient
10:48of seduction and and excitement
10:51so women’s desire plummets but
10:54we interpret it as women are less
10:56interested in sex
10:57rather than women are interested in
10:59probably just about the same kind of
11:00things that many men are
11:02but women have always known what to
11:04choose above what turns them out which
11:06was what gives them stability and
11:08security
11:09security family someone to protect be
11:12there right
11:12so what people do look this is we
11:16want one partner today to give us
11:18everything that involves stability and
11:20security and everything that involves
11:22playfulness and mystery
11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want
11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have
11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me
11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want
11:31you to give me continuity and i want you
11:32to give me novelty
11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no
11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that
11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is
11:42desire
11:43desire is to own the wanting
11:46if you ask people a question that goes
11:48like this i turn myself
11:50off when i turn myself off by
11:54not you turn me off when and what turns
11:57me off is
11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when
12:00i do emails
12:02when i spend too much time on the phone
12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise
12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i
12:09don’t feel
12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel
12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when
12:15i’m not alive
12:16you will really hear that it has very
12:18little to do with sex
12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on
12:22when
12:23or by i awaken my desires
12:26not you turn me on when and what turns
12:29me on
12:30is which is i you responsible for my
12:32wanting right what people will talk to
12:34you about is
12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected
12:36with my friends when i get to do my
12:38sports
12:39when i play music when i listen to music
12:42it’s through stuff that gives me
12:44pleasure that is
12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that
12:48is
12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as
12:51life force
12:52and from that place people remain
12:55interested in having sex with somebody
12:57else for the long haul
12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their
13:00arms for two seconds
13:02it’s i feel good about myself
13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right
13:08confidence you ask people when do you
13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner
13:12every description has to do with when
13:15they’re in their element
13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with
13:18when when
13:19when they’re doing their sport when they
13:21when they are radiant
13:23when they are in their studio on the
13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when
13:27they are in their
13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take
13:31care of them
13:32they’re not depressed and down and
13:34lonely and sad
13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me
13:37because desire is about
13:39wanting you love is also about needing
13:42you
13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience
13:46in love
13:47and it is a very powerful
13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
13:50experience love and desire at the same
13:52time you
13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s
13:56the same as when you walk
13:58you have to move from one foot to the
14:00other a balance
14:01is not about staying on one side a
14:03balance is the ability to see
14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we
14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we
14:09can be playful we can break our own
14:11rules we can stay home and not go to
14:12work at eight o’clock
14:14right and now we are in a playful zone
14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing
14:19our own little transgressions home
14:21we are alive we’re not just being
14:23dutiful responsible
14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very
14:28small
14:29you know i mean i always think when i go
14:32and i see people at lunch
14:33and you see them talking and they’re
14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all
14:36i think who is here with their partner
14:41because you can see them they’re engaged
14:44they’re giving the best of themselves
14:45that’s erotic
14:47no the majority are not there with their
14:49partner they’re there with their friends
14:50with their colleagues their partner is
14:51going to get the leftover when they come
14:53home at night
14:54sorry you know what forget the night
14:56date meet at lunch
14:57when you actually have energy you know
14:59when you
15:00and and in the middle of the day like
15:02that when you’re awake when you have
15:03something to offer
15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t
15:07do it they don’t do it and you say
15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an
15:11hour extra at home in the morning and
15:13not just because when you have a
15:14headache
15:15and just say this matters to me all in
15:18all you know committed sex
15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna
15:22happen
15:23because whatever is gonna just happen
15:24already has so
15:26you’re going to make it happen because
15:28you say we matter
15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s
15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to
15:33make love or have so
15:34it just means we’re going to take this
15:36hour and there’s nothing else that
15:38matters in this moment but just you and
15:39i
15:40to be together to check in and then
15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic
15:44space
15:45in which sex may happen probably will
15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from
15:51which it is much more likely to emerge
15:53but people don’t do that they do the
15:55responsibility
15:56that’s the love right the citizen the
15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens
16:01the safe
16:02and then they say i’m bored
16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no
16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right
16:08exactly
16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word
16:11if you want desire
16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional
16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s
16:17really a risk on the emotional front is
16:20that
16:20i bring something else to you today
16:22differently from
16:24um differently from from the way i
16:26typically present myself sure
16:28you know how can i do this something
16:32what can i do today that will be
16:34different from the ways that i’ve done
16:36it until now
16:37how can i do something that i think
16:39would actually improve our relationship
16:41me right not something that i want or
16:45that you want but that i think would be
16:46actually good for us that third entity
16:49the us
16:50right and you check every time you know
16:54how often do you just go on the tried
16:57and trodden
16:58as in you know it works sex that just
17:01works
17:01for most people is really not
17:03interesting enough right so
17:04because what does it mean it works
17:06generally right
17:08what about the people listening or
17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of
17:10work that every day you have to change
17:12do something different and unique can be
17:14not every day not every day
17:16not every day but what you can do every
17:19day
17:20is just a quick check with yourself you
17:22know is there something that i should
17:24notice is there something that i can be
17:26thankful for is there
17:27a little note that i could write is
17:30there
17:31you know just a way that i can show up
17:33at time it’s small
17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing
17:39there is work and then there is the
17:41creative work
17:43you know i’m talking about the level
17:45that is creative
17:46and that elevates you and that actually
17:48gives you
17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel
17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake
17:55rather than this this is the other
17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s
18:00great but nothing happens here
18:02sure this this is alert
18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity
18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and
18:12you
18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of
18:14life
18:16this is please don’t bother me with
18:18anything because i don’t want any
18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been
18:22you know
18:23and this is the position that most
18:24people have at home
18:26so when people say it’s too much work
18:29um i basically say look
18:33you you if i was to say this in your
18:36business
18:37would you say this is too much work oh
18:39you would say
18:40that’s very good advice this is high
18:42rate consulting fees
18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think
18:48for a minute that your business would
18:49thrive
18:50if you let it languish like that
0:02what are the core
0:04uh reasons or the core things you see
0:05over and over that
0:07uh either end or make a relationship
0:10challenging to be in
0:11the longer end what are the what are the
0:13ones that what are the challenges that
0:14come up over and over that you see
0:17so there’s always three questions right
0:18what’s a driving relationship
0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
0:24and how do you fix it okay so you
0:25started with the middle question
0:27what goes wrong
0:30i think there’s a number of things in a
0:32relationship that that uh
0:33that becomes the the kind of uh
0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m
0:39not going to lease them in order but
0:41they all
0:41are part of each other
0:45indifference and contempt
0:48and neglect and violence are probably
0:51the four
0:52most important okay i’m not talking
0:54about big violence microaggressions are
0:56plenty
0:57indifference when you start to feel like
0:59the other person fundamentally is not
1:01really caring about you anymore or you
1:03don’t care about them
1:04what they feel what they think who they
1:06are what they’re about they
1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s
1:10more than losing of interest it’s also
1:12when you are doing different you degrade
1:14the other person they’re less important
1:16to you they don’t
1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in
1:20relationships is that we matter
1:22that is the essential reason for
1:23connecting to people is that we are
1:25creatures of meaning right
1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care
1:29about me
1:30you want my mail you want my well-being
1:32you’re proud of me
1:34you you want good for me you’re
1:36benevolent all of that when you are
1:38indifferent
1:39the whole thing goes and then you start
1:41to this that coldness that creeps in
1:43that sense of estrangement that complete
1:45disconnect
1:46that the second one is neglect neglect
1:49when people just basically take each
1:51other for granted
1:52you know they take more care of their
1:54car than of their partners their dog
1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard
1:59anything anything gets attendants
2:01their business for sure their business
2:03for sure you know everything gets
2:05priority everything gets
2:07reviewed evaluated attended to
2:11360s you name it you know new input
2:14my god it’s like people have this idea
2:16that they put it all
2:18in when they were dating and then once
2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if
2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they
2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they
2:26go into this kind of complete sense of
2:27complacency and laziness
2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this
2:31thing is just going to live on its own
2:33right like a cactus right violence
2:36violence the abuse the level of of
2:39disrespect i mean
2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else
2:44than their partner when a relationship
2:47because you can’t get away with it
2:49because you can’t get away with it
2:50because if you talk like this at work
2:52you’re gone
2:53because if you talk like this with the
2:55police you’re gone because if you talk
2:56like this on the street you’re being
2:58punched
2:59but with your partner you have that
3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway
3:02they’re just going to take it
3:04because it’s family and family is this
3:06kind of
3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so
3:08easily so
3:10you can just lash out at them and talk
3:12to them with a tone
3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking
3:18physical violence and all the other big
3:20big things you’re talking about
3:21aggression or resentment or
3:24all of that yeah all of that you know
3:25passive aggressiveness all those things
3:27yeah
3:27all of that and then and then um
3:30contempt i think is the top one
3:33contempt is the killer of them all right
3:35because in
3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s
3:38the degradation of there is
3:40is that that complete this you’re
3:42nothing you’re nothing
3:44i can kill you with that one guess that
3:46one eyebrow that goes up
3:48you know stuff do you who do you think
3:50you are what are
3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re
3:54done so how do we even get to this place
3:55of these
3:56these places after having been so in
3:58love and so romantic right
4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re
4:03not desiring the person anymore then we
4:04start to feel one of those categories
4:06or does that not play into look the
4:09truth is this
4:10there’s only two relationships that
4:13resemble
4:14each other the one you have with your
4:16parents or the people who raise you
4:18and the one you have with the people you
4:20fall in love with
4:21people can sit in my office all the time
4:23and say i have this with no one else
4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work
4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like
4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like
4:32this or thinks this about me or with
4:33whom i do this
4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go
4:38back in history
4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but
4:41that’s really
4:43it is the place where we often learned
4:46about
4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment
4:50sharing taking receiving asking
4:53all these essential verbs of
4:54relationships we learned that at home
4:56we also learned jealousy and
4:58possessiveness vengeance
5:00you name them the beauty and the not
5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children
5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love
5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness
5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we
5:11bring that with us and we often promise
5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one
5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk
5:17like this i’ll
5:18you know and we find ourselves often
5:21much
5:22closer to the apple and then presenting
5:24ourselves to the tree
5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we
5:27do that well why don’t we get to this
5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it
5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed
5:32about it we hide it
5:34and one of the way we hide it is we
5:36blame the partner
5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very
5:40resourceful in not owning our
5:42right exactly exactly wow okay
5:45um and where does sex play in all this
5:47and desire
5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating
5:52things for me
5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s
5:55probably
5:57one of the dimensions of relationship
5:59that has changed the most
6:01in a very very short amount of time for
6:04most of history and it’s still the
6:06majority of the world
6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital
6:10duty on the part of the woman
6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes
6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it
6:16and and men have the privilege to go and
6:19find sex elsewhere
6:21in a very short amount of time we’re
6:23talking 60 years
6:24we have contraception which is the
6:27liberation
6:28of women for the first time to free sex
6:30from reproduction from mortality
6:32from death in pregnancy and in
6:34childbirth sorry
6:35all of that and for the first time
6:37sexuality moves from just biology
6:39and a condition to a part of our
6:42identity
6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years
6:45the women’s movement
6:47which goes after the abuses of power
6:50the gay movement which introduces the
6:52concept of identity
6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for
6:56connection
6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first
6:59time we have sex before marriage
7:01and many times a lot we used to marry
7:04and have sex for the first time
7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with
7:08others
7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for
7:11life
7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and
7:14people go around telling you i’m
7:16monogamous in all my relationships
7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay
7:22all of that in a very short amount of
7:23time the fact that i
7:25choose you to marry or to live together
7:27doesn’t matter commitment
7:28because i’m attracted to you because you
7:31give me butterflies in my stomach
7:34and the fact that i think that if i
7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore
7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore
7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term
7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only
7:45desire i feel like it i want to
7:49not i have to not we want many kids
7:52after two kids the only reason to
7:54continue
7:54doing it with you is because we feel
7:56like it’s right right
7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels
8:00good it rounds up
8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s
8:04it and hopefully
8:05it’s at the same time and for each other
8:08because plenty of desire continues but
8:10it’s not always at home
8:12right exactly so this is an amazing
8:14revolution
8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how
8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became
8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic
8:23desire and how do we sustain desire
8:25because it is the
8:26first time ever that we have a grand
8:29experiment of the human kind where we
8:31want
8:31sex with one person in the long haul
8:34that is fun
8:35and connected and intimate and playful
8:38and we live twice as long go figure
8:41right exactly
8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it
8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing
8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re
8:49going to choose one partner
8:50and be with them until you know we’re
8:53both gone how do we navigate the
8:54challenge of
8:56keeping the desire continuously
9:00i think both men and women because the
9:02woman probably sees other men who are
9:03attracted to her
9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how
9:06do both parties do this
9:07look we know that women get bored with
9:10monogamy much sooner than men
9:12wow that’s research
9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that
9:17is men’s desire in long-term
9:19relationship
9:20goes down gradually he actually is much
9:23more able to remain interested
9:25and maybe just because he’s interested
9:26in the experience itself and he has a
9:28partner there
9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow
9:32and it’s always been translated as well
9:35that’s because women care less about sex
9:38rather than it’s because women care less
9:40about the sex that they can have
9:42in their committed relationships which
9:44is often not interesting enough for them
9:47and it often has to do with the fact
9:49that the story the character the plot
9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance
9:54which is an essential
9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman
9:58often disappears in the long-term
10:00relationship
10:01it’s like people look at each other at
10:03the end of the day and you want to fool
10:04around
10:05you want to do it you’re up for it
10:06tonight now this is really
10:08not this is not very much of a turn on
10:10for most women
10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts
10:14at the end of the previous orgasm
10:16you know and not five minutes before the
10:17real thing right which for her
10:19is not the real thing the whole the real
10:21thing is everything else
10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s
10:25creating a game
10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming
10:28close it’s a team history
10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that
10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you
10:35i come just a little bit so that you can
10:37come a little bit toward me and then i
10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go
10:40back a little bit too
10:41have you ever seen animals they do this
10:43kind of pacing
10:45and it is an essential playful
10:47ingredient
10:48of seduction and and excitement
10:51so women’s desire plummets but
10:54we interpret it as women are less
10:56interested in sex
10:57rather than women are interested in
10:59probably just about the same kind of
11:00things that many men are
11:02but women have always known what to
11:04choose above what turns them out which
11:06was what gives them stability and
11:08security
11:09security family someone to protect be
11:12there right
11:12so what people do look this is we
11:16want one partner today to give us
11:18everything that involves stability and
11:20security and everything that involves
11:22playfulness and mystery
11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want
11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have
11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me
11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want
11:31you to give me continuity and i want you
11:32to give me novelty
11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no
11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that
11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is
11:42desire
11:43desire is to own the wanting
11:46if you ask people a question that goes
11:48like this i turn myself
11:50off when i turn myself off by
11:54not you turn me off when and what turns
11:57me off is
11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when
12:00i do emails
12:02when i spend too much time on the phone
12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise
12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i
12:09don’t feel
12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel
12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when
12:15i’m not alive
12:16you will really hear that it has very
12:18little to do with sex
12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on
12:22when
12:23or by i awaken my desires
12:26not you turn me on when and what turns
12:29me on
12:30is which is i you responsible for my
12:32wanting right what people will talk to
12:34you about is
12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected
12:36with my friends when i get to do my
12:38sports
12:39when i play music when i listen to music
12:42it’s through stuff that gives me
12:44pleasure that is
12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that
12:48is
12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as
12:51life force
12:52and from that place people remain
12:55interested in having sex with somebody
12:57else for the long haul
12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their
13:00arms for two seconds
13:02it’s i feel good about myself
13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right
13:08confidence you ask people when do you
13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner
13:12every description has to do with when
13:15they’re in their element
13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with
13:27they are in their
13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take
13:31care of them
13:32they’re not depressed and down and
13:34lonely and sad
13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me
13:37because desire is about
13:39wanting you love is also about needing
13:42you
13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience
13:46in love
13:47and it is a very powerful
13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
13:50experience love and desire at the same
13:52time you
13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s
13:56the same as when you walk
13:58you have to move from one foot to the
14:03balance is the ability to see
14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we
14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we
14:09can be playful we can break our own
14:29you know i mean i always think when i go
15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic
15:56that’s the love right the citizen the
1
16:24um differently from from the way i
16:39would actually improve our relationship
17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of
17:19day
17:20is just a quick check with yourself you
17:22know is there something that i should
17:24notice is there something that i can be
17:26thankful for is there
17:43you know i’m talking about the level
17:45that is creative
17:46and that elevates you and that actually
17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel
17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake
18:16this is please don’t bother me with
18:18anything because i don’t want any
18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been
18:22you know
18:23and this is the position that most
18:24people have at home
18:26so when people say it’s too much work
AuntyUta 