Lady Chatterley’s Lover is the last novel by English author D. H. Lawrence, which was first published privately in 1928, in Italy, and in 1929, in France.

What was so controversial about Lady Chatterley’s lover?

The book was also banned for obscenity in the United States, Canada, Australia, India and Japan. The book soon became notorious for its story of the physical (and emotional) relationship between a working-class man and an upper-class woman, its explicit descriptions of sex and its use of then-unprintable profane words

Here is the official trailer of that movie that I watched yesterday:

Nov 4, 2022Connie, born into wealth & privilege, finds herself married to a man she no longer loves. When she meets Oliver, the estate’s gamekeeper, their secret trysts lead her to a sexual awakening. She faces a decision: follow her heart or return to her husband and endure what society expects of her. Starring Emma Corrin & Jack O’Connell. Directed by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre.

You don’t have to say you love me

ELVIS PRESLEY – You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me (live)

ABBA – Happy New Year

Josh Arnold

The Josh Arnold effect | Back Roads | ABC Australia

ABC Australia257K subscribers

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ShareABC is an Australian public broadcast service.Wikipedia6,815 views Feb 19, 2023 #ABCTV #BackRoads #JoshArnoldJosh Arnold is a Golden Guitar winner who’s worked with some of the biggest names in Australia’s country music industry, but it’s the children of the outback who are the stars of this show. Josh gave up the big stage for the bush classroom to help kids in small towns find their voice through music. Back Roads host Heather Ewart joins Josh on one of his tours to Birdsville to experience the Josh Arnold effect for herself. 📺 Watch more from Back Roads on ABC iview: https://bit.ly/BackRoadsiview #BackRoads #ABCTV #JoshArnold

The Love ‘Juice’ Oxytocin

Love Revolution

cbholganza
December 11, 2023 at 12:21 pm Edit
Interesting watch, Auntyuta! Got me hooked!
Reply

auntyuta
December 11, 2023 at 11:32 pm Edit
I too find this video very intereting, Charly.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE STORY you published last year and I reblogged it here:

https://auntyuta.com/2023/01/03/a-different-kind-of-love-story/

This is a very lovely story indeed!

Esther Perel about Relationships

Premiered Jul 1, 2020 Feel Better Live More podcastAs human beings, relationships are fundamental to who we are. We know that relationships can be a big source of happiness and fulfillment in our lives but they can also be one of the major sources of stress. So, why is it that we often find relationships so hard? In this conversation, I speak to arguably one of the world’s leading and most original thinkers on modern relationships, the wonderful, Esther Perel, who has long been on my dream guest list. We talk about the many differences between relationships of the past and the relationships of now. How we are now all under pressure not only to have the perfect relationship, but also to portray this illusion to others as well. Esther believes that it’s the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. And who we are is actually a combination of how we see ourselves and how others see us. We only really get to know ourselves through our interactions with others. We talk about the idea that we are not one person but different with each person – and rather than being one-way, all interactions are reciprocal. We discuss the value of couples’ counselling and whether it’s something all relationships, healthy or otherwise, need. Reassuringly, we learn that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, they all follow a rhythm of harmony, disharmony and repair. Esther and I touch and expand on our own situations and how the family history and values you bring to a relationship or marriage impacts the dynamic between you. She talks us through how much the concept of marriage has changed over the past century, and how it’s a tall order to ask just one person in our lives to meet all of our needs – needs which once would have been shared across our extended families and communities. This episode is a joyous celebration of all the relationships in our lives. It’s challenging, poignant but ultimately hugely practical. Esther offers some wonderful examples of practices we can all start implementing today, from rituals to build strength in our intimate relationships, to advice on reframing criticism or starting difficult conversations at work. The upshot? Rather than hoping others will change, we can be the change ourselves. It was a great pleasure to speak with such an incredible lady and I know that you will get a lot of value from hearing what she has to say. Show notes available at https://drchatterjee.com/119 Connect with Esther: Website https://www.estherperel.com Instagram / estherperelofficial Facebook / esther.perel Twitter / estherperel YouTube @estherperel Esther’s podcasts: Where should we begin? https://whereshouldwebegin.estherpere… How’s work? https://howswork.estherperel.com Esther’s books: Mating in Captivity – https://amzn.to/3eN0qVK The State of Affairs – https://amzn.to/2YIqL1A Esther’s TED talks: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_pere… Rethinking fidelity….a talk for anyone who has ever loved https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_pere… Related FBLM podcasts: #37 How Our Childhood Shapes Every Aspect of Our Health with Dr. Gabor Maté • How Our Childhood Shapes Every Aspect… #75 What Every Parent Should Know with Philippa Perry • What Every Parent Should Know with Ph… #feelbetterlivemore #estherperel #relationships ——–

Dr Rangan Chatterjee

THE ROLE OF GABA IN HEALTH AND WELL-BEING – INTERVIEW WITH DR. SCOTT SHERR

WATCH

In this interview, Dr. Scott Sherr, director of integrative hyperbaric medicine and health optimization at Hyperbaric Medical Solutions, reviews the action of gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) and the role it plays in your physical and mental health.…

Love Revolution

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8:36 / 2:53:14•

The Love ‘Juice’ Oxytocin

Neuroscientist: Build Intense Desire & Attraction (If He Loves You, He Will Do This) |Dr Tara Swart

Lisa Bilyeu

Save318,667 views Nov 2, 2023 Full Episodes of Women of ImpactCheck out my FREE 4-Part Confidence Workshop! https://bit.ly/3uncWru Ladies, brace yourselves for a love revolution you don’t want to miss! Welcome to another episode of Women of Impact, where I’m taking the dive into the exhilarating world of love, lust, and resilience with our special guest, Tara Swart, a neuroscience whizz and resilience guru. In today’s conversation, we’ll decode the enigma of romantic relationships, helping you understand the intricacies of attraction and desire. Tara’s expert insights will guide you on when it’s time to walk away and how to boost your mental resilience to master the dating game while retaining your sanity. And…if you’ve ever pondered over the differences in how men and women bond in the bedroom, we’ve got you covered homie! Tara is spilling all the love secrets with the perfect ‘oxytocin mix’ that ignites passion and desire, and she’s giving practical, science-backed advice to supercharge your love life. Here’s one that surprised me: Did you know that couples who stress together might actually stick together? However, we’re not talking about toxic cycles just yet. Instead, Tara exposes the addictive love cycle, where fiery arguments transform into passionate reunions. This episode is all about empowering you to break free from these emotional roller coasters once and for all. ****Bonus Brain Hacks with Louisa Nicola**** We’re making brain health sexy and diving into its crucial role in our journey to becoming our own heroes, and the importance it holds in maintaining our ‘badassery’. Dr. Louisa Nicola reveals why avoiding stress management is destroying your brain health, how to keep your brain safe after 30, the #1 thing you can do to start optimizing your brain today. Chapter Markers: [00:00] The Love ‘Juice’ Oxytocin [12:08] Stress Bonders & Breakers [21:03] Words Impact Your Love Life [30:45] Your Social Circle Matters [37:53] Loving Again After Heartbreak [41:42] Drama Addicted Love Cycles [51:37] Getting to Trusty Orgasms [59:39] Divorce & Empty Threats [1:02:36] Generational Stress & Love [1:13:40] Reinvention Is Attractive [1:39:24] Brain Hacks With Louisa Nicola Tara Swart Quotes: “If a woman sleeps with a man enough times she is going to start falling in love.” “If you are in close proximity to someone who is really stressed, whether they’re repressing it or not, that is going to artificially raise your stress levels.” “Somebody who’s very whole, who’s evolved spiritually, who’s worked on themselves, who’s done that psychological stuff to manage their emotions isn’t going to be in a relationship with somebody who’s got trust issues, […] you meet people who are at a similar level to you.” “I remember the moment standing in the garden and I thought, ‘this person can totally break my heart now,’ and instead of feeling fear I thought ‘wow, you have got over what happened before and brought yourself to the place where you’ve put your heart on the plate for someone else again, well done.” “What you call addiction to the highs and lows, I would actually say is the inability to manage the extremes of your emotions.” “The brain remains flexible throughout our lives, and so it is the reason that we can change the way that we think, the way that we behave, the things that we believe, the relationship patterns that we have at any age, at any stage of life, and with any mindset.”

The BIGGEST Reasons 80% Of Relationships FAIL… | Esther Perel

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:18when when

13:19when they’re doing their sport when they

13:21when they are radiant

13:23when they are in their studio on the

13:25piano on the horse you name it it’s when

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:00other a balance

14:01is not about staying on one side a

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:11rules we can stay home and not go to

14:12work at eight o’clock

14:14right and now we are in a playful zone

14:17now we are feeling that we are bringing

14:19our own little transgressions home

14:21we are alive we’re not just being

14:23dutiful responsible

14:25good citizens right it’s that it’s very

14:28small

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

14:32and i see people at lunch

14:33and you see them talking and they’re

14:35well dressed and they’re awake and all

14:36i think who is here with their partner

14:41because you can see them they’re engaged

14:44they’re giving the best of themselves

14:45that’s erotic

14:47no the majority are not there with their

14:49partner they’re there with their friends

14:50with their colleagues their partner is

14:51going to get the leftover when they come

14:53home at night

14:54sorry you know what forget the night

14:56date meet at lunch

14:57when you actually have energy you know

14:59when you

15:00and and in the middle of the day like

15:02that when you’re awake when you have

15:03something to offer

15:04it’s a very small thing but they don’t

15:07do it they don’t do it and you say

15:09why not why not why don’t you stay an

15:11hour extra at home in the morning and

15:13not just because when you have a

15:14headache

15:15and just say this matters to me all in

15:18all you know committed sex

15:19is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna

15:22happen

15:23because whatever is gonna just happen

15:24already has so

15:26you’re going to make it happen because

15:28you say we matter

15:30we’re important let’s do this let’s

15:32spend doesn’t mean if you’re going to

15:33make love or have so

15:34it just means we’re going to take this

15:36hour and there’s nothing else that

15:38matters in this moment but just you and

15:39i

15:40to be together to check in and then

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:44space

15:45in which sex may happen probably will

15:48doesn’t have to but it is the place from

15:51which it is much more likely to emerge

15:53but people don’t do that they do the

15:55responsibility

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

15:58commitment the caretaking the burdens

16:01the safe

16:02and then they say i’m bored

16:05i would be too okay exactly there’s no

16:07mystery there’s no risk taking right

16:08exactly

16:09there’s no risk taking that’s the word

16:11if you want desire

16:13it’s risk and the risk is an emotional

16:15risk it’s not about sexy risks it’s

16:17really a risk on the emotional front is

16:20that

16:20i bring something else to you today

16:22differently from

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:26typically present myself sure

16:28you know how can i do this something

16:32what can i do today that will be

16:34different from the ways that i’ve done

16:36it until now

16:37how can i do something that i think

16:39would actually improve our relationship

16:41me right not something that i want or

16:45that you want but that i think would be

16:46actually good for us that third entity

16:49the us

16:50right and you check every time you know

16:54how often do you just go on the tried

16:57and trodden

16:58as in you know it works sex that just

17:01works

17:01for most people is really not

17:03interesting enough right so

17:04because what does it mean it works

17:06generally right

17:08what about the people listening or

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:10work that every day you have to change

17:12do something different and unique can be

17:14not every day not every day

17:16not every day but what you can do every

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:27a little note that i could write is

17:30there

17:31you know just a way that i can show up

17:33at time it’s small

17:35it’s really small um here’s the thing

17:39there is work and then there is the

17:41creative work

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:48gives you

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

17:55rather than this this is the other

17:58seated position it’s comfortable it’s

18:00great but nothing happens here

18:02sure this this is alert

18:05here’s the essential word is curiosity

18:08when you’re curious you lean forward and

18:12you

18:12watch you’re open to the mysteries of

18:14life

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

18:29um i basically say look

18:33you you if i was to say this in your

18:36business

18:37would you say this is too much work oh

18:39you would say

18:40that’s very good advice this is high

18:42rate consulting fees

18:44it’s like excuse me but you don’t think

18:48for a minute that your business would

18:49thrive

18:50if you let it languish like that

0:02what are the core

0:04uh reasons or the core things you see

0:05over and over that

0:07uh either end or make a relationship

0:10challenging to be in

0:11the longer end what are the what are the

0:13ones that what are the challenges that

0:14come up over and over that you see

0:17so there’s always three questions right

0:18what’s a driving relationship

0:20a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

0:24and how do you fix it okay so you

0:25started with the middle question

0:27what goes wrong

0:30i think there’s a number of things in a

0:32relationship that that uh

0:33that becomes the the kind of uh

0:36cornerstones of the demise okay and i’m

0:39not going to lease them in order but

0:41they all

0:41are part of each other

0:45indifference and contempt

0:48and neglect and violence are probably

0:51the four

0:52most important okay i’m not talking

0:54about big violence microaggressions are

0:56plenty

0:57indifference when you start to feel like

0:59the other person fundamentally is not

1:01really caring about you anymore or you

1:03don’t care about them

1:04what they feel what they think who they

1:06are what they’re about they

1:08don’t care you’ve lost interest but it’s

1:10more than losing of interest it’s also

1:12when you are doing different you degrade

1:14the other person they’re less important

1:16to you they don’t

1:17matter and ultimately what we feel in

1:20relationships is that we matter

1:22that is the essential reason for

1:23connecting to people is that we are

1:25creatures of meaning right

1:26i matter to you i’m someone you care

1:29about me

1:30you want my mail you want my well-being

1:32you’re proud of me

1:34you you want good for me you’re

1:36benevolent all of that when you are

1:38indifferent

1:39the whole thing goes and then you start

1:41to this that coldness that creeps in

1:43that sense of estrangement that complete

1:45disconnect

1:46that the second one is neglect neglect

1:49when people just basically take each

1:51other for granted

1:52you know they take more care of their

1:54car than of their partners their dog

1:56or their dog anybody anything their yard

1:59anything anything gets attendants

2:01their business for sure their business

2:03for sure you know everything gets

2:05priority everything gets

2:07reviewed evaluated attended to

2:11360s you name it you know new input

2:14my god it’s like people have this idea

2:16that they put it all

2:18in when they were dating and then once

2:20they sealed the knot it’s like as if

2:22they tied the knot it’s like now they

2:24don’t have to do squat anymore and they

2:26go into this kind of complete sense of

2:27complacency and laziness

2:29it’s an amazing thing they think this

2:31thing is just going to live on its own

2:33right like a cactus right violence

2:36violence the abuse the level of of

2:39disrespect i mean

2:40most people talk nicer to anybody else

2:44than their partner when a relationship

2:47because you can’t get away with it

2:49because you can’t get away with it

2:50because if you talk like this at work

2:52you’re gone

2:53because if you talk like this with the

2:55police you’re gone because if you talk

2:56like this on the street you’re being

2:58punched

2:59but with your partner you have that

3:00sense that they’re gonna be there anyway

3:02they’re just going to take it

3:04because it’s family and family is this

3:06kind of

3:07this thing that doesn’t dissolve so

3:08easily so

3:10you can just lash out at them and talk

3:12to them with a tone

3:14and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

3:17that kind of violence i’m not talking

3:18physical violence and all the other big

3:20big things you’re talking about

3:21aggression or resentment or

3:24all of that yeah all of that you know

3:25passive aggressiveness all those things

3:27yeah

3:27all of that and then and then um

3:30contempt i think is the top one

3:33contempt is the killer of them all right

3:35because in

3:36in the contempt there is a real there’s

3:38the degradation of there is

3:40is that that complete this you’re

3:42nothing you’re nothing

3:44i can kill you with that one guess that

3:46one eyebrow that goes up

3:48you know stuff do you who do you think

3:50you are what are

3:52and that’s it you you’re done you’re

3:54done so how do we even get to this place

3:55of these

3:56these places after having been so in

3:58love and so romantic right

4:00is desire uh reflect that or if we’re

4:03not desiring the person anymore then we

4:04start to feel one of those categories

4:06or does that not play into look the

4:09truth is this

4:10there’s only two relationships that

4:13resemble

4:14each other the one you have with your

4:16parents or the people who raise you

4:18and the one you have with the people you

4:20fall in love with

4:21people can sit in my office all the time

4:23and say i have this with no one else

4:26i don’t have this with anybody at work

4:28nobody among my friends ever thinks like

4:30that you’re the only one who speaks like

4:32this or thinks this about me or with

4:33whom i do this

4:35no you’re the the only one and now we go

4:38back in history

4:39and i’m sorry to be the psychologist but

4:41that’s really

4:43it is the place where we often learned

4:46about

4:46closeness trust loyalty commitment

4:50sharing taking receiving asking

4:53all these essential verbs of

4:54relationships we learned that at home

4:56we also learned jealousy and

4:58possessiveness vengeance

5:00you name them the beauty and the not

5:02beauty yeah we saw it all as children

5:04right we saw the fights we saw the love

5:06we saw the you know we saw the coldness

5:08the lack of the intimacy yes and we

5:11bring that with us and we often promise

5:13ourselves i’ll never be this one

5:15i’ll never be this way i’ll never talk

5:17like this i’ll

5:18you know and we find ourselves often

5:21much

5:22closer to the apple and then presenting

5:24ourselves to the tree

5:26we resent ourselves we’re like how do we

5:27do that well why don’t we get to this

5:28place and then we feel ashamed about it

5:30and since we don’t like to feel ashamed

5:32about it we hide it

5:34and one of the way we hide it is we

5:36blame the partner

5:38that’s just one of the ways we are very

5:40resourceful in not owning our

5:42right exactly exactly wow okay

5:45um and where does sex play in all this

5:47and desire

5:49so i mean the one of the fascinating

5:52things for me

5:53in looking at sexuality is that it’s

5:55probably

5:57one of the dimensions of relationship

5:59that has changed the most

6:01in a very very short amount of time for

6:04most of history and it’s still the

6:06majority of the world

6:07sex is for procreation sex is a marital

6:10duty on the part of the woman

6:11nobody cares particularly if she likes

6:14it and how she feels and if she wants it

6:16and and men have the privilege to go and

6:19find sex elsewhere

6:21in a very short amount of time we’re

6:23talking 60 years

6:24we have contraception which is the

6:27liberation

6:28of women for the first time to free sex

6:30from reproduction from mortality

6:32from death in pregnancy and in

6:34childbirth sorry

6:35all of that and for the first time

6:37sexuality moves from just biology

6:39and a condition to a part of our

6:42identity

6:43and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years

6:45the women’s movement

6:47which goes after the abuses of power

6:50the gay movement which introduces the

6:52concept of identity

6:54to sexuality the fact that sex is for

6:56connection

6:57and pleasure the fact that for the first

6:59time we have sex before marriage

7:01and many times a lot we used to marry

7:04and have sex for the first time

7:05now we marry and we stop having sex with

7:08others

7:08okay monogamy used to be one person for

7:11life

7:12now monogamy is one person at a time and

7:14people go around telling you i’m

7:16monogamous in all my relationships

7:18and it makes perfect sense to me okay

7:22all of that in a very short amount of

7:23time the fact that i

7:25choose you to marry or to live together

7:27doesn’t matter commitment

7:28because i’m attracted to you because you

7:31give me butterflies in my stomach

7:34and the fact that i think that if i

7:36don’t have these butterflies anymore

7:37maybe i don’t love you anymore

7:40and the fact that sexuality in long-term

7:42relationships is rooted in wanting only

7:45desire i feel like it i want to

7:49not i have to not we want many kids

7:52after two kids the only reason to

7:54continue

7:54doing it with you is because we feel

7:56like it’s right right

7:58it’s pleasurable we connect it feels

8:00good it rounds up

8:02our relationship the whole thing that’s

8:04it and hopefully

8:05it’s at the same time and for each other

8:08because plenty of desire continues but

8:10it’s not always at home

8:12right exactly so this is an amazing

8:14revolution

8:15sex that’s confusing all of us and how

8:18do we sustain it so that’s why i became

8:20fascinated in the nature of erotic

8:23desire and how do we sustain desire

8:25because it is the

8:26first time ever that we have a grand

8:29experiment of the human kind where we

8:31want

8:31sex with one person in the long haul

8:34that is fun

8:35and connected and intimate and playful

8:38and we live twice as long go figure

8:41right exactly

8:42for 60 years you’re going to be with it

8:44or whatever it is yeah it’s an amazing

8:46idea so how do we navigate this if we’re

8:49going to choose one partner

8:50and be with them until you know we’re

8:53both gone how do we navigate the

8:54challenge of

8:56keeping the desire continuously

9:00i think both men and women because the

9:02woman probably sees other men who are

9:03attracted to her

9:04and you know vice versa so it’s like how

9:06do both parties do this

9:07look we know that women get bored with

9:10monogamy much sooner than men

9:12wow that’s research

9:15okay that’s not just fact that’s uh that

9:17is men’s desire in long-term

9:19relationship

9:20goes down gradually he actually is much

9:23more able to remain interested

9:25and maybe just because he’s interested

9:26in the experience itself and he has a

9:28partner there

9:29women’s desire post-marriage really wow

9:32and it’s always been translated as well

9:35that’s because women care less about sex

9:38rather than it’s because women care less

9:40about the sex that they can have

9:42in their committed relationships which

9:44is often not interesting enough for them

9:47and it often has to do with the fact

9:49that the story the character the plot

9:51is not in it’s not seductive the romance

9:54which is an essential

9:55ingredient of turn on for the woman

9:58often disappears in the long-term

10:00relationship

10:01it’s like people look at each other at

10:03the end of the day and you want to fool

10:04around

10:05you want to do it you’re up for it

10:06tonight now this is really

10:08not this is not very much of a turn on

10:10for most women

10:12and the idea that foreplay often starts

10:14at the end of the previous orgasm

10:16you know and not five minutes before the

10:17real thing right which for her

10:19is not the real thing the whole the real

10:21thing is everything else

10:22so it’s essentially the game yes it’s

10:25creating a game

10:26seduction it’s a plot it’s a coming

10:28close it’s a team history

10:30it’s what animals call pacing it’s that

10:33i come to you but i don’t overwhelm you

10:35i come just a little bit so that you can

10:37come a little bit toward me and then i

10:38don’t immediately answer i actually go

10:40back a little bit too

10:41have you ever seen animals they do this

10:43kind of pacing

10:45and it is an essential playful

10:47ingredient

10:48of seduction and and excitement

10:51so women’s desire plummets but

10:54we interpret it as women are less

10:56interested in sex

10:57rather than women are interested in

10:59probably just about the same kind of

11:00things that many men are

11:02but women have always known what to

11:04choose above what turns them out which

11:06was what gives them stability and

11:08security

11:09security family someone to protect be

11:12there right

11:12so what people do look this is we

11:16want one partner today to give us

11:18everything that involves stability and

11:20security and everything that involves

11:22playfulness and mystery

11:23okay that’s the grand ideal okay i want

11:26to be cozy with you and i want to have

11:28an edge and i want you to surprise me

11:29and i want you to be familiar and i want

11:31you to give me continuity and i want you

11:32to give me novelty

11:34that’s it as if it’s uh right and no

11:37victoria’s secret is going to solve that

11:39yeah right so then it becomes what is

11:42desire

11:43desire is to own the wanting

11:46if you ask people a question that goes

11:48like this i turn myself

11:50off when i turn myself off by

11:54not you turn me off when and what turns

11:57me off is

11:58you’re gonna hear i turn myself off when

12:00i do emails

12:02when i spend too much time on the phone

12:03when i over eat when i don’t exercise

12:06when i have bad bad days at work when i

12:09don’t feel

12:10confident when i numb myself when i feel

12:13dead when i don’t feel contriving when

12:15i’m not alive

12:16you will really hear that it has very

12:18little to do with sex

12:20and when you ask people i turn myself on

12:22when

12:23or by i awaken my desires

12:26not you turn me on when and what turns

12:29me on

12:30is which is i you responsible for my

12:32wanting right what people will talk to

12:34you about is

12:34when i’m in nature when i’m connected

12:36with my friends when i get to do my

12:38sports

12:39when i play music when i listen to music

12:42it’s through stuff that gives me

12:44pleasure that is

12:45alive that is vibrant that is vital that

12:48is

12:49erotic in the full sense of the word as

12:51life force

12:52and from that place people remain

12:55interested in having sex with somebody

12:57else for the long haul

12:58it’s not because they’ve scratched their

13:00arms for two seconds

13:02it’s i feel good about myself

13:06the biggest turn on is confidence right

13:08confidence you ask people when do you

13:10find yourself most drawn to your partner

13:12every description has to do with when

13:15they’re in their element

13:16when they’re on stage when they’re with

13:27they are in their

13:28element i.e they don’t need me to take

13:31care of them

13:32they’re not depressed and down and

13:34lonely and sad

13:35they’re not needy they don’t need me

13:37because desire is about

13:39wanting you love is also about needing

13:42you

13:43caretaking is a very powerful experience

13:46in love

13:47and it is a very powerful

13:48anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

13:50experience love and desire at the same

13:52time you

13:53calibrate it so sometimes you’re it’s

13:56the same as when you walk

13:58you have to move from one foot to the

14:03balance is the ability to see

14:05right now we don’t need caretaking we

14:07can be mischievous we can be naughty we

14:09can be playful we can break our own

14:29you know i mean i always think when i go

15:42we’ll see what unfolds that’s the erotic

15:56that’s the love right the citizen the

16:24um differently from from the way i

16:39would actually improve our relationship

17:09saying man that sounds like a lot of

17:19day

17:20is just a quick check with yourself you

17:22know is there something that i should

17:24notice is there something that i can be

17:26thankful for is there

17:43you know i’m talking about the level

17:45that is creative

17:46and that elevates you and that actually

17:49you feel you feel taller you just feel

17:52like you’re engaged you feel awake

18:16this is please don’t bother me with

18:18anything because i don’t want any

18:20stimulation i’ve had my share i’ve been

18:22you know

18:23and this is the position that most

18:24people have at home

18:26so when people say it’s too much work

When a Man is not persuing

5,259 views Oct 17, 2023 #christianmotivation #godmessage #godThe Lord has showered us with His faithful love so that we may share this with our chosen spouse. If you’re sure that this kind of love is what you are ready to offer to this person, don’t let it stay confined in your heart. Don’t gatekeep this wonderful opportunity. There’s nothing that would please God more than expressing the love He filled us with in glorious ways.

Category: Video

On Wednesday the 7th of February I watched a NETFLIX Video that used to be very controversial

You don’t have to say you love me

ELVIS PRESLEY – You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me (live)

ABBA – Happy New Year

Josh Arnold

The Josh Arnold effect | Back Roads | ABC Australia

The Love ‘Juice’ Oxytocin

Esther Perel about Relationships

THE ROLE OF GABA IN HEALTH AND WELL-BEING – INTERVIEW WITH DR. SCOTT SHERR

Love Revolution

Neuroscientist: Build Intense Desire & Attraction (If He Loves You, He Will Do This) |Dr Tara Swart

The BIGGEST Reasons 80% Of Relationships FAIL… | Esther Perel

When a Man is not persuing