February Diary

It is two months now that Peter has left me. Four months ago we knew already that he would not have much longer to live. His bladder cancer had spread to the bones, and a few weeks later he was gone. . . .

Gradually I seem to cope a bit better with having to live on my own. So far, it has been ‘only’ two months that I had to live on my own most of the time. Why does that feel like such a long time? Maybe, because I know, that Peter is not coming back to me, not ever. When in the past Peter travelled to Berlin without me for a couple of months or so, he would ring me every day. So, there was still a connection, and I knew on a certain date he would arrive back home. Yes, it is very different now.

Today is Wednesday. At John’s place, Nr. 5, there is a Strata meeting this afternoon. Tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to have two hours of Hammond Care again. Last time Irina came instead of Olivia. Whoever it is tomorrow, I might ask, whether a bit of shopping could be done. Preferably I would like to go along with my carer, so we could do the shopping together. I hope, Hammond Care does allow this!

There was a lot of washing done last week. This week there is none, since I insist in doing my bit of personal washing by myself. It is mainly the large sheets I find difficult to handle. Fitting new bedsheets onto my bed gets done every week. This is a great help. And it is great too, that all the floors get cleaned for me every week.

Usually Olivia comes to do all this work for me. But a few times I had some other woman instead of Olivia. I find, they all do a good job! And they are very friendly and talk to me a bit. They all do the cleaning of the floors very, very quickly: vacuuming and mopping! Usually they have also time for a few odd jobs like taking my bins out to the kerb. When they arrive, they always ask me, whether I need any shopping done. But usually I have already been able to do lots of shopping with someone else.

Council Rates are due this week. Monika and Natasha are going to be here tomorrow, probably very early afternoon, bringing Roxy’s kids along which is always something to be looking forward to. Maybe the Council Rates can be paid at the Post Office? Or maybe Monika can find another way of paying. Also, I do have to mail a reply paid letter to the Roads and Maritime Services at Grafton, NSW, of all places! They were notified of Peter’s passing, I think by Birth, Death and Marriages. They sent a condolence letter and want Peter’s Disablility Parking Permit back since after Peter’s passing it is not anymore valid! So, I can return it in a reply paid letter.

Friday afternoon we are going to play games again. I invited Erika and Irene to my place. Barbara is still going to be in Melbourne. She left one week ago. Seems like the borders to Victoria are going to stay open now. So it wont be long now before Martin will be here for another visit! Caroline and Matthew are in Noosa, Queensland, right now. I hope they have an excellent holiday. This coming Sunday Erika and Brian are going to give me a lift to Church again. I am looking forward to this!

Yesterday, on Tuesday, I again spent a lot of time outdoors. Doing weeding, weeding, weeding, mostly in the shade, but relaxing a bit in the early morning sun and then sitting outside with a good cooked morning meal.

I did not do my usual early morning walk yesterday for I was too busy with all that weeding, and after that I needed a good rest. And there is still lots more weeding to be done! Things just grow too quickly in this beautiful late summer weather, for we have this year plenty of rain and luckily also quite a lot of sunshine! I very much enjoy this kind of weather. I don’t actually mind to do a bit of weeding here and there. That I cannot keep it in some kind of good order a lot of the time, well, that is just too bad. I do only as much as is possible, and the rest can wait for another day.

As long as I stay healthy, can still do a little bit here and there, and mostly enjoy the days that are still left to me, I am very happy! But often it is also a rather lonely existence. Being able to still write a bit, does help to overcome this feeling of loneliness when nobody else, just nobody is around me for hours on end. I guess, I just have to keep myself busy. Making some kind of use of the time that is left to me, I feel is very important. Every hour is getting more and more precious, really. For who knows, any hour can be close to the last one, even though so far I have no terminal sickness that I know of. However, my body is telling me that I am very, very old.

Everybody is always so kind to me when they see me creeping along. This kindness is a blessing. Whenever possible though, I aim at keeping some kind of independence. My rollator is a great help in this regard. I am so happy, that this is available to me. And the trolleys for doing the shopping are a blessing too. I can walk very well with just a shopping trolley to push along. Maybe I should eventually get a motorised wheelchair? Then I could use public transport again like our Gaby did! I say, Gaby was indeed a very determined quadriplegic! I often think of her how she managed her life . . . .

Easter is not far off. Maybe I can spend Easter in Benalla with son Martin. That would be good. On the other hand, seeing the great-grandkids collecting Easter eggs, would be fun too. Still, I would not be surprised, when the grandchildren would take their kids away on some holidays. They always like to do a bit of travelling when there is a chance for some holidays away from home. And why not? Peter and I always enjoyed a bit of travelling too. These were the days . . . .

9 thoughts on “February Diary

  1. Dear UTa, you have a very positive attitude in spite of everything. You are bound to feel numb for a while, and it’s tough adapting to living alone when you have been happily married for so long. I’m glad for you that you have people to help who are friendly and kind. Keep counting your blessings – it’s the best way to survive!

  2. When I think of you without Peter I get very sad. 😦
    I know there are times of the day (like at night time) that are more difficult and lonely. 😦

    But reading this makes me smile…you are keeping busy, finding the joys, and living life. 😦 I think that is what Peter would want for you! πŸ™‚

    It takes time to adapt to your new reality. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself feel your feelings. Go at your own pace. πŸ™‚

    My dad died of bone cancer at age 83. Mom was 80 when he died. They’d been together since they were teenagers. Mom lived to be 97. After dad died she told me she would talk to him out loud every day. πŸ™‚ Especially when she was doing chores. She’d say things, like “Roy, today is the day you always gather up the trash and put it out in the bin…but, you’re not here, so I’ll do it for you.” and other funny things. πŸ™‚ I guess this helped her cope. πŸ™‚

    (((HUGS))) πŸ™‚

  3. You are amazing to still do all those jobs, Uta. The pain of a lost one is difficult to bear but good memories do help a lot. I am glad you are getting help with the household duties, especially changing bed sheets. Sometimes I tackled changing the sheets and the sheet with fitted corners is a difficult task to get around the mattress because you have to lift the mattress with one hand and then somehow fit the sheet’s corner around it for which you need another two hands. I only have two hands. I then just end up not fitting the difficult sheet and hope for the best.
    Most times I get a good female friend to do that and she does it so nicely and I sleep better without all tangled up with a loose undisciplined sheet.

  4. Dear Cat, Carolyn and Gerard, I thank all of you for your comments, that help me so much to feel connected. You are terrific friends. indeed. πŸ™‚
    Yes, Cat, I’ll keep counting my blessings! πŸ™‚
    And yes, Carolyn, your mom is a great example! πŸ™‚
    And yes, Gerard, I am very glad that I get help with changing the bed sheets. Peter and I used to do this together! πŸ™‚ The home help, who does it now, is very efficient in doing it all by herself! πŸ™‚

  5. Your writing is keeping up to standard, Uta..for even though the body fades, the mind stays active..so…what else can one do but write it down…keep well and content..

  6. Praying you have a good day today Uta. You have such a positive outlook on life you are an inspiration to me! I’m glad you are keeping active and keeping that balance between movement and rest. Best wishes, Pam x

  7. “Today is Wednesday. At John’s place, Nr. 5, there is a Strata meeting this afternoon. Tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to have two hours of Hammond Care again.”

    Now look, this is what I wrote!: “Today is Wednesday”, but it was the 23rd!! And the 23rd was actuallly Tuesday, not Wednesday. So, I did go to the Strata meeting on the 23rd, thinking that it was Wednesday already! How very stupid of me . . . .

    The following morning I waited and waited for my home help, of course in vain. I rang Hammond care. The kind man, who answered the phone, quickly established that my home help was only due on Thursday, and so he pointed out to me very politely in a very calm, friendly voice, that it wasn’t Thursday yet!! Gee, I was so embarrassed! But it reassured me, that I was spoken to in such a friendly manner.

    So, yesterday was Wednesday! I had the whole day totally to myself, which was good, I did not even go for a walk, since it was rainy all day. I just felt like staying at home all day. But I had my meals outside under an awning protected from the rain. I did not see any neighbours around. However, in the distance I could hear a tractor, that was probably mowing the soccer fields in the light rain.

    After I found out yesterday that it wasn’t Thursday yet, I took a long shower, washed my hair, and then thouroughly cleaned the grout between the tiles in the shower, which took ages . . . . I did not mind, that it took so long, for I knew I had time. I could spend the day any way I wanted . . . . ! πŸ™‚

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