Diary of an older Widow

On the 7th of May 2020 I wrote about it how as a kid in the 1930s I played with my toys all by myself in my ‘Kinderzimmer’ (Child Room):

” . . . as a toddler I would spend many hours every day in my Kinderzimmer. All my toys would be kept in that room. I loved my Kinderzimmer and all my toys. I was very much used to playing with my toys in my room. I remember it quite well, how I would spend time there all by myself. I did not mind this, really, because I was used to it. But I always was most happy, when another person would spend some time with me! – – – I think when I was about four or five, I was allowed to invite a childhood friend to come to my place and play with me. We might be allowed to have a bit of a look into the living rooms, but to spend time playing in one of the living rooms was not the done thing! Playtime with my companions would always take place in the Kinderzimmer. The same would happen when I went visiting one of my friends. . .”

I said that even as a toddler I was used to spending time all by myself, and that I did not mind it. Of course I often wished for company, and I was always very happy when someone could be with me. Still, I think I learned from an early age, to cope a lot of the time with being on my own. Of course, when being on my own may perhaps felt somewhat boring, I would invent people surrounding me, people that I could talk to!

Now, in my old age, I think back to those growing up days, and how lonely I really often was. Isn’t something similar happening now that I am a widow and living without a companion? Maybe it is kind of normal, that people, who live on their own, often resort to talking to someone who isn’t really there? So, this means, talking to just a pretend person! Or, is that why some lonely people’s dogs are their best friends, for they are someone to talk to?

Come to think of it, I really often enjoy very much spending time by myself, working out how to best do things all by myself. As soon as someone is with me, they straight away tend to be taking over, meaning they help me by doing things for me that I am unable to do by myself with some reasonable speed. Well, it may be just as well, that having to do things by myself most of the time, keeps me on my toes. If everything was being done for me all the time, wouldn’t I be bound to deteriorate even faster?

There are certainly a lot of things that I cannot do anymore, like driving a car, or cleaning windows or doing some fast walking. To avoid disastrous falls I have to do everything very slowly and carefully. When I am doing things while I am on my own, I find it usually easier to do everything slowly and carefully. Not so, when someone is with me! So, being on my own most of the time may really have a lot of benefits. It helps me to stay a little bit more independent and not having to rely on outside help for everything!

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