How useful is my life right now, only one month after I contemplated my ‘useless life’?
I still don’t believe that I am of great importance in anyone’s life. So, why does God want me to be alive still? This is what I keep wondering about. I went with my neighbours to a Baptist church service today. So, why does God not let me know the reason for my still being alive? I think, the pastor said, we must not expect God to let us know immediately, what His reason may be. We have to trust God, that there is always a reason for everything. And He is going to let us know, when it is the right time for us to know.
To live just for myself, can that be like living for God?
To be happy to spend significant time just by myself for myself, is that what God wants me to do?
To have no more desire or longing to spend many intimate hours and hours with another person – Is that it, to let go of any expectation or desire like this? If I can have only irreglar minutes of fantastic intimacy, off and on, should I learn to live with this, or am I better off to cut myself off from any desire? This is an extremely difficult decision to make. Where is God in all this, may I ask –
To let go of any desire, perhaps may lead to some kind of being content and more or less joyful at all times? In other words, one ends living like a child. Also, if one is lucky, one will be well looked after! So, this is then, how one’s life is slowly, slowly nearing its end, if not a terminal sickness of some kind let’s us pass earlier.
If I go to a caring place, where I’ll have only one room to myself, I can take only as much with me, as fits into the one room. I intend to try this out in my own home now, namely get rid of all the stuff, that I cannot place into this one room of mine, which I’m going to keep just for myself. I am going to let my family have the other two bedrooms. Of course rentfree!! And the rest of the house is going to be for sharing. But all my stuff in the living-room areas and most of my kitchen stuff has to go. I cannot take it with me, can I? So, my guests are going to bring their own furniture in.
To have one daughter as well as one granddaughter living very close to me, am I going to like this? We’ll see. Maybe it’ll become the stepping stone to something else, like moving out and living somewhere else. In 20 months, I am going to be 90 and celebrating my birthday! If am still alive and kicking by then, that is.
So, the following is a reblog of what I wrote one month ago:
Why do I write? Because I have to. Nothing else is going to lift me out of this deep fog, that is threatening to become bigger and bigger. Or am I in a big hole right now, so that I have to struggle and struggle, to get out of it? But it seems, like only some minutes ago I was still rather happy in myself. I had absolutely no worries, that I couldn’t cope with. None what so ever. How can a mood change so quickly, I wonder. What b rought that on? I was pretty resilient. Nor anymore. How can that be? I do not understand myself.
Do I need to get some counselling now, or what? In the past some counselling by people I felt close to, has always helped me. Where are these people now? Is this a sign of very old age, that the people, that…
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