auntyuta  

The other day, I went with two of my neighbours to a Baptist church service. My question still is: Why am I still alive? The pastor said, we must not expect God to let us know immediately, what His reason may be. We have to trust God, that there is always a reason for everything. And He is going to let us know, when it is the right time for us to know.

To be happy to spend significant time just by myself for myself, is that what I am meant to do? Well, I do feel actually more and more alright to spend time just on my own. I like to look after myself, taking showers, making my bed, doing some shopping and doing my own cooking as well as washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen surfaces, as well as the toilet and bathroom, listening to music, dancing to some music, sweeping my outside deck early in the morning, doing some washing, going for walks with my rollator, meeting people, reading, writing, and watching some good TV programs. I like to be able to do everything at my own very slow pace – – – –

To have no more desire or longing to spend many intimate hours with another person – Is that it, to let go of any expectation or desire like this? If I can have beautiful but irreglar minutes of fantastic intimacy, I guess, I can learn to accept that this is the best I can do at this late stage in my life.

When the time comes. to let go of any desire, this may lead to some kind of being content and more or less joyful at all times. In other words, one learns to live like a child. And if one is lucky, one will be really well looked after! So, this is then, how one’s life is slowly, slowly nearing its end, if not a terminal sickness of some kind let’s us pass earlier.

If I go to a caring place, where I’ll have only one room to myself, I can take only as much with me, as fits into the one room. I intend to try this out in my own home now, namely I’ll get rid of all the stuff, that I cannot place into this one bedroom of mine, which I want to keep the way I like it without without any interference by anyone!!

I am going to let my family, that is one daughter and one granddaughter, have the other two rentfree bedrooms.

The rest of the house is to be for sharing. But all my stuff in the living-room areas and most of my kitchen stuff has to go. I cannot take it with me, can I? So, my family guests are going to bring their own furniture in.

To have one daughter as well as one granddaughter living close to me, am I going to like this? We’ll see. Maybe it’ll become the stepping stone to something else, like moving out and living somewhere else. In 20 months, I am going to be 90 and celebrating my birthday! If am still alive and kicking by then, that is.

As far as writing goes: Why do I write? I think because I have to. It gives me a reason for living!