The other day, I went with two of my neighbours to a Baptist church service. My question still is: Why am I still alive? The pastor said, we must not expect God to let us know immediately, what His reason may be. We have to trust God, that there is always a reason for everything. And He is going to let us know, when it is the right time for us to know.
To be happy to spend significant time just by myself for myself, is that what I am meant to do? Well, I do feel actually more and more alright to spend time just on my own. I like to look after myself, taking showers, making my bed, doing some shopping and doing my own cooking as well as washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen surfaces, as well as the toilet and bathroom, listening to music, dancing to some music, sweeping my outside deck early in the morning, doing some washing, going for walks with my rollator, meeting people, reading, writing, and watching some good TV programs. I like to be able to do everything at my own very slow pace – – – –
To have no more desire or longing to spend many intimate hours with another person – Is that it, to let go of any expectation or desire like this? If I can have beautiful but irreglar minutes of fantastic intimacy, I guess, I can learn to accept that this is the best I can do at this late stage in my life.
When the time comes. to let go of any desire, this may lead to some kind of being content and more or less joyful at all times. In other words, one learns to live like a child. And if one is lucky, one will be really well looked after! So, this is then, how one’s life is slowly, slowly nearing its end, if not a terminal sickness of some kind let’s us pass earlier.
If I go to a caring place, where I’ll have only one room to myself, I can take only as much with me, as fits into the one room. I intend to try this out in my own home now, namely I’ll get rid of all the stuff, that I cannot place into this one bedroom of mine, which I want to keep the way I like it without without any interference by anyone!!
I am going to let my family, that is one daughter and one granddaughter, have the other two rentfree bedrooms.
The rest of the house is to be for sharing. But all my stuff in the living-room areas and most of my kitchen stuff has to go. I cannot take it with me, can I? So, my family guests are going to bring their own furniture in.
To have one daughter as well as one granddaughter living close to me, am I going to like this? We’ll see. Maybe it’ll become the stepping stone to something else, like moving out and living somewhere else. In 20 months, I am going to be 90 and celebrating my birthday! If am still alive and kicking by then, that is.
As far as writing goes: Why do I write? I think because I have to. It gives me a reason for living!
My Life the Way it is
Published
AuntyUta 
All good thoughts and important questions.
I hope everything works out having your two gals move in with you. I hope all 3 of you will enjoy it.
You still have so many good things and people in your life, SweetUta. Enjoy each day. 🙂
Keep taking one day at a time.
Selfishly, I am so very glad you are still alive…still here…because you always bring me smiles, joy, encouragement, and I learn from you. 🙂 Thank you! 🙂
(((HUGS))) ❤️
Dear Carolyn,
I thank you very, very much for your lovely comment. 🥰
Actually, I did write the above post in the middle of the night. This is why, today, I slept in a bit. 🙂
So, I do feel well rested. Writing about ‘my life the way it is’, gave me hope, that even with rapidly advancing age, I should still be able to enjoy my life. 🙂
Yesterday, Sunday, when my daughter Monika and her partner Mark Penfold came to visit me. However, it turned out, I did upset Monika very, very much. I am so very sorry about this.
When I keep upsetting my daughter like this, I feel it might be better, if I was dead already. She is so keen on looking after me in a way I just do not want to be looked after yet!
I wonder, is she ever going to get it, what I want and what I don’t want? How can I make her understand, that her way of ruling over me, I do not want to put up with?
Maybe it is just too early, her wanting to move in with me. Maybe I should just live on my own a bit longer. What do you think, dear Carolyn?
HUGS from me too!
❤ Uta
Aw, it wouldn’t be better if you were dead. 😦 You have much life in you still! ❤️
See if you can sit down and talk to your daughter about what you need and what you don’t need.
I know no other way except to try to express it to her. Or if there is someone she listens to who could express it to her, for you. ???
Maybe ask her to put herself in your shoes and think about what she would want / and not want from her children. ???
I wish you well in deciding what would be best.
We invited my mom to come live with us if she wanted to. And she decided to wait (for a number of reasons). She was 91 before she was ready to live where she could have help if she needed it. Then she lived 6 more years. 🙂
(((HUGS))) ❤️
Thanks, dear Carolyn, for another very thoughtful reply. What you say, makes a lot of sense to me. I have a feeling, you do understand my situation very well. I thank you very, very much for all your caring. Yes, I think, sooner or later we may come to an agreement about what is ‘best’ for me. Maybe, my family doctor can help in some way too! 🙂
HUGS,
❤ Uta
That is a good idea Uta.. We spend a life time accumulating THINGS, I hope the arrangement with your daughter and granddaughter works out well for you all…
And as for writing… DON’T STOP!……
Much love ❤
Thanks, Sue
❤ Uta
Hello, Uta…it seems to me your greatest “fault” is in that not only does it seem you are fated to live a longer life than many of your contemporaries, but that you must endure it with a clear, concise, imaginative and (perhaps unfortunately) completely SOBER ageing process!!…What is needed here, as I see it is some more opportunity to be creative…but in an anonymous way!….I have recently discovered/joined a new chat site that offers a multitude of “rooms” one can participate in free of charge and also one can post one’s thoughts, poetry etc……I have even started my “own chat room” where I am currently posting my stories to a new audience…It is “American Free Fall” as far as the people there go…much of it is “Family orientated”…anyway, you can go there anonymously with a gravitar name..here it is..: https://www.wireclub.com
My short story chat room is…: https://www.wireclub.com/chat/room/story_short_stories_
Ask me how it works if you DO decide to join it and I will TRY to steer you right…
Hello, Uta….I posted a comment to your above post, but it might have gone into spam or something, because it didn’t appear…Joe.
Hello, Uta…it seems to me your greatest “fault” is in that not only does it seem you are fated to live a longer life than many of your contemporaries, but that you must endure it with a clear, concise, imaginative and (perhaps unfortunately) completely SOBER ageing process!!…What is needed here, as I see it is some more opportunity to be creative…
but in an anonymous way!….I have recently discovered/joined a new chat site that offers a multitude of “rooms” one can participate in free of charge and also one can post one’s thoughts, poetry etc……I have even started my “own chat room” where I am currently posting my stories to a new audience…It is “American Free Fall” as far as the people there go…much of it is “Family orientated”…anyway, you can go there anonymously with a gravitar name..here it is
https://www.wireclub.com
My short story chat room is…: https://www.wireclub.com/chat/room/story_short_stories_
Ask me how it works if you DO decide to join it and I will TRY to steer you right…
Oh Joe, there seem to be some major problems with my computer right now.
Both my daughters want to come and see me on Thursday this week. I hope, they can detect, what is wrong with this machine and fix it for me. I really don’t know, what to do to make it more workable.
Anyhow, thank you, Joe, for trying to help me in some way. I wonder, how much time I have left, to learn something new? It seems to take ages, before something completely new can be taken into my brain!
Reading your very clearly expressed thoughts, I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug, and say, “Pop by for a cup of tea and slice of cake, we can chat about these things and maybe sort out how to move forward.” Then I saw that other people obviously feel the same way about you, dear Uta. And maybe a chatroom would also be a good thing. And as for learning new things – it’s the journey, not the destination, that matters! The brain can still form new synapses even at 100 years of age.
Thank you so much, dear Cat, for all your encouragement. Yes, I am sure, a bit of chatting always makes me come alive. To me, time chatting about all sort of things, is time well spent.
When there is nobody available to chat with me, I do invent people to chat with me! I remember I even did this as a young child, for often I felt very much alone, and I was always extremely happy, when there was someone I could be close to. I loved to play with other kids. Also, I loved all these grown-ups who were willing to spend time with me just talking! 🙂
It always is interesting to not only read your original comments, but also the varied responses. People obviously care about you and wish you the best.
I am about 22 months younger than you and, fortunately, still enjoying good health with (so far) relatively few problems other than some AFib related. Still, there are undeniable indications that I am getting older (old?).
I was an only child. My parents lived in New Jersey on the U.S. east coast, while I chose to live in California 3000 miles away on the west coast. My dad had a stroke when he was 94 and entered an assisted living facility; it was only then that we realized my mom had dementia (Alzheimer’s) and that my dad had been caring for her. She too entered the facility and neither were ever able to once again return home.
Somewhat fortunately, I was managing a group — half were in California, and half were back east. The nature of the work necessitated that I travel back across the country once a week permitting fairly frequent visits with my mom and dad. It quickly became obvious that my mom’s condition was rapidly worsening. Fully anticipating she would die prior to my dad; it was agreed that he would at that time move out to California with my wife and me. Sadly, it was not to be — she managed to hang on longer than he did.
The point of this tale is that in many ways, we are fortunate. My dad frequently remarked that he had “lived too damn long”. All his relatives, other than for me, friends, and associates had died and he felt totally alone.
One BIG difference is that now, as long as we have access to a computer, we are never completely alone. My dad never could have imagined having “friends” half way around the world. When your daughter and granddaughter join you, it will necessitate considerable adjustment and compromise by all of you. I regret my dad never lived sufficiently long to spend his final years with us. I wish I would have had that opportunity.
None of us know the number of our days or what the future has in store for us. Regardless, when depression comes calling, please try to remember the many enjoyable times that you have had. And never forget that all of us are out here always wishing you only the best.
Lew, you say, that for as long as we have access to a computer, we are never completely alone. I agree, computer access can become very important. Yes, and some computer access has definitely helped me, to overcome these thoughts, that I shouldn’t really be alive anymore. I think, at the moment I do cope rather well with still being alive; and I am very grateful for still being as independent as possible! 🙂 I find, when I am on average for up to six hours daily close to some people, that is really plenty for me. That leaves me maybe about 18 hours (including sleeping time) to be completely on my own. I actually do like this very much, especially when I have some communication on the internet! 🙂 I thrive on doing things slowly, slowly, all by myself. I seem to be now more house-proud than I’ve ever been before in my life! I do love more and more to have things beautiful to look at, and in a place that is easily manageable. And I feel, I can take my time with everything. So, I certainly do not like feeling rushed! For as long as I am on my own or with like minded people, I never do feel rushed. When I am with other people, who love me to bits, but tend to put some pressure on me, I admit, more often than not, I may lose my calm quite horribly! I’m afraid, recently I was several times anything but calm. So, I have to learn, to cope with pressure a bit better. Or maybe when I feel too much pressure building up, I should just leave the room to calm down a bit! 🙂 One of my daughters said to me today, she doesn’t know, why old age has made me such a nasty old woman, when in the past I had always been so nice. Well, she is right, I just do not want to be that nice anymore!
Lew, only about 22 months younger? That is a surprise! So I guess, you turn 87 in July this year. 🙂
I have a question: What happened to what your parents owned, especially books and photographs and so on?
And, have you made provisions, what is going to happen to all your stuff?
I wish you good luck with this new living situation. I think it will be a difficult adjustment. But you’ve been through countless difficult adjustments and you always come out in fine shape. I hope that trend continues.
Linda, at the moment I feel, I just want to stay by myself for as long as possible. For instance, every Monday I get three and one half hours of home help, that is paid for by the government. This more or less covers all my present caring needs. I am sure, I would be pretty unhappy, if I had to give up nearly all my indepence right now, for I feel, I can be still fairly independent with just a little bit of support.