Uta’s DIARY from Holy Week 2021

We are in the midst of HOLY WEEK 2021. So tomorrow is GOOD FRIDAY, a holiday. Sitting in front of my house in the early morning sun – this is what I am looking forward to for tomorrow.

I am not looking forward to asking someone for a lift to the MEDICAL CENTRE. Do I really need a change of the dressing on my lower leg? We’ll see.

Sitting in the sun. This is all I am longing for . . . .

Last Sunday I returned from my two weeks holiday at my son’s place in Victoria. With the help of one daughter and one granddaughter I was able to go to the MEDICAL CENTRE on Monday and on Wednesday. I was able to use the ROLLATOR, which was really a great help. Right now, I do not feel confident to walk with my walking stick!

And anyway, I get some more visitors on EASTER SUNDAY. This is in only two more days!

I wonder whether I can adjust to be living totally on my own. My brother reckons, I sound alert on the phone, Then what about my mobility? Has it become better or worse? I would say unfortunately at present it is a lot of the time quite bad. But maybe this has to do with this terrible infection I had in my leg. And this infection may also have to do with my constant tiredness.

Yes, always feeling tired. However when my brother rang from Berlin, my tiredness soon became less and less. After a while it felt good talking to him and his wife.

I like living in my own home. Every Thursday I get two hours home help. There are a lot of plans, that I should get some more help in. Strangely, this makes me feel even more dependent!

Is this kind of dependency really better than living in an AGE CARE HOME? Living in such a home, how would that make me feel?

Maybe I should look into some kind of HOSTEL type accommodation? What a HOSTEL is like, I described in a blog I wrote many years ago.

I had a friend, who lived in a HOSTEL for many years. She died before she needed to be transferred to a NURSING HOME. I think, she was very lucky in this regard. She was 93 when she died.

Well, this was 17 years ago. Maybe what used to be called HOSTEL is now being called AGE CARE HOME. Why then do I have such a horror of ending up in an AGE CARE HOME?

It was acknowledged some time ago. that the house I live in needs a lot of changes and renovations, especially the outside area. I think it would be increasingly difficult for me to look after it even with some extra home help.

Why can’t I just organise everything myself? The two weeks away from home were good for me. I discussed with my son and his friendly neighbour that it would be good for me to join a SENIOR’S CITIZENS CLUB that organises outings and trips to holiday destinations. But since we are not out of the woods yet with COVID 19 maybe this is not such a good idea. Should I just stay as much as possible totally on my own?

What can I still do? I can still shower and dress myself, even if it takes a long time. I can still go for slow walks with my rollator. I have often trouble with my eyesight. However, I can still do some things on the computer and I enjoy some TV programs and listening to music. When I can get hold of a shopping trolley, I can still do my own shopping. I love cooking (mainly vegetarian meals), I have a good appetite and I do not mind doing the dishes. I definitely can do the dishes. I can do my personal washing. The home help on Thursdays hangs out the bigger washing for me and does a lot of the cleaning and sometimes drives me to the shops.

Recently some friends gave me a lift to go to Mass. But I have not contacted them yet since my return from Victoria. A while ago I took up joining my friends again for our Friday afternoon games: Scrabble and Rummy Cub. Well, of course for the last two weeks I was away, and this week on GGOD FRIDAY there won’t be any games.

For the next few days I’ll be sitting as much as possible outside to enjoy some sun, and maybe I can do a bit of walking too with my rollator. If I get sick of being by myself for every meal, I can walk with my rollator across the road to the bowling Club for some lunch. I do like their prawn cutlets.

15 thoughts on “Uta’s DIARY from Holy Week 2021

  1. Dear Uta, you are making a huge adjustment in your lufe, and at a time of the year when we all tend to feel a bit pessimistic. You seem to be coping very well under the citcumstances, and as you go through the various stages of grief. What is important in life is to have someone to love and a reason for living – a sense of purpose. From my personal observation of residents in Old People’s Homes, when these were missing the people gave up and died. You have a loving family and friends even if you can’t visit. But I think you are very capable on the computer and can skype or facetime or zoom with your loved ones. You also seem to me to be an optimistic and cheerful person at heart. So much of your life centred on Peter in the last years and it must be very difficult to fill the void left by his passing, but if see this as a challenge I am sure you will eventually find a really worthwhile cause to devote your energies to. And do let others pamper and spoil you when they want to – it helps them to feel good, too. A big hug to you my friend.

    1. Thanks for your big hug, dear Cat. You are right, probably I am a cheerful and optimistic person at heart. There are lots of things I can still enjoy. I just cannot cope with all the dreary stuff. I need someone, who can sort all this out for me. All my children tried to do their best for me. But it is too much for them too. Owning a house that has been not exactly well looked after for a number of years, involves so much work that I am not suited for. Renting a well looked after and maybe somewhat smaller place might perhaps be better for me if there is nobody who can actually live with me in my house. I am the sole owner of the house now, but it is only a headache for me. On the other hand I do love the surroundings of the house, close to nature!

      I feel a bit like I live in wartime again, wartime when actually most things are put on hold. But somehow it does not make sense to me, since there are a lot of people being newly unemployed because of the virus and some businesses being made redundant, but when it comes to reliable trades people, you can count yourself very lucky indeed to find good, reliable people that work for a reasonable price. Where on earth do I find reliable people like that who do not overcharge? I have no idea. I do need help with that, but so far nobody has come up with any real help. I hate myself for not being able to do a bit more, and then it is hinted, I could perhaps do more if only I put my mind to it.

      At 86 I feel I am definitely quite close to the end of my life. So really, do I now have to learn to cope with all this stuff that I never in my whole life needed to do before? This computerised world is not my world. A rich person would just employ somebody for doing all these administrative jobs. Maybe I should be such a rich person – Ha, ha!!

      Thanks again for your lovely hug, dear Cat, and for your very thoughtful and compassionate comment! πŸ™‚ Wishing you a very HAPPY EASTER with all your loved ones!

    2. Cat, I agree with this what you say in your comment:

      “What is important in life is to have someone to love and a reason for living – a sense of purpose.”

    3. I wamt to write another reply to you, dear Cat. That is, looking at my reply to you from 2nd April 2021, I feel, there is much that I can say to that now! πŸ™‚

      Outwardly, a lot of things have inproved! For instance, there are wonderful improvements to my house and backyard. Also my health improved a lot after quite some struggle. So, I should be really happy now! – Wrong!! – Why wrong?

      Right Cat, didn’t you said this: β€œWhat is important in life is to have someone to love and a reason for living – a sense of purpose.”

      Well, I say it is alright for me to love a lot of people, but really nobody is now very close to me in my life. – Actually, I find it good, that nobody is going to miss me for very long, when I am gone. So, I would say, the people I love, are definitely no reason for me to go on living. πŸ™‚

      A good reason for living would be my desire, to write an autobiographical novel. I know, I cannot rely on it, that I get actual support in doing this. So, it is totally up to me to find the determination to do it all on my own as best as I can. πŸ™‚

      In conclusion, I say, writing could give me a reason for living as well as a sense of purpose. I cannot see, that there is any other purpose in my life right now. However, I often feel, I would not mind at all, if I could die in an instant at any time! πŸ™‚

      I feel, there is no need to say good bye to anyone! πŸ™‚

  2. Beautiful photo of the sun shining down in your yard…and in your life!
    Keep taking it one day at a time…you are adjusting to your “new” life and will adjust some more as time goes by. πŸ™‚ Keep your sunny attitude and find the joys in each day. πŸ™‚
    Happy Easter to you and your family!!! πŸ™‚
    (((HUGS))) πŸ™‚

    1. Happy Easter to you and your family too, dear Carolyn. πŸ™‚
      By the way, the seat in the picture is at the front of my house, which is really common property. But it has the morning sun, and I like to sit there. Sometimes neighbours approach me there and talk to me. πŸ™‚
      HUGS, Uta πŸ™‚

  3. You are doing very well, Uta. You had a lifetime with Peter and it takes a brave person to not feel deserted and alone now that he is gone. Grieving takes time and holidays and week-ends are especially hard at times. You just wrote another very good article, straight from the heart. You have a large extended family who love you and care about you. The familiar noises that used to be in your house when you were with Peter are now missing and that silence iisn’t easy to get used to. What was once is now gone and I know too, it is so achingly permanent. When Helvi passed away I applied to social services for a grief counselor and that helped me a lot. Someone to talk to.
    You are lucky to have that sunny spot in your garden. I would sit there a lot and enjoy the warmth. People care about you, Uta.

    1. Gerard, I just read you comment again. You say that it helped you to have someone to talk to. This makes a lot of sense to me. It seems to me too that it is very important to have someone to talk to. It makes me think that maybe having Summah to talk to now, makes a lot of difference to me, for I see Summah twice a week, She stays only for one hour each time, and for most of that hour she does some work in the home or in the garden. But somehow she always manages to spare a bit of time for a little chat. And these chats are not just about my life but about her life too. This makes me feel like she is interested in me as a friend.

  4. Yes, Gerard, I know I am lucky to have an enlarged extended family who love me and care about me. However, I think you’re right in pointing out that grief counselling can be a good thing. In the morning I have sunny spots in the common area in front of the house. Later in the day the sun is at the back of my house in my private backyard! I like to make use of the outdoors! πŸ™‚
    Thanks very much indeed for your insightful comment, Gerard. With all what you’ve been through you have so much insight. So, thanks very much! I wish you all the Best. Have a great Easter! πŸ™‚
    Hugs, Uta πŸ™‚

  5. So, it is now October 2022. This DIARY brings back memories to me. It was rewarding for me to read this post and all the comments to it. I copied everything and republished it today! πŸ™‚

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