Uta’s Diary

How much have I changed? This is a real big question!

I mean, how much have I changed since living by myself. I would say, I am probably behaving very differently from way back when my dear Peter, my marriage partner, was still around. Peter always said, I am his other half, without me he is only one half. So, this applied to me too, I was one half and Peter was the other half. When Peter was gone, I had to learn to make up for Peter’s half. I am probably still in a learning process, but gradually I feel more confident to get along without Peter. I can do things now, that Peter maybe would not have approved of while he was still alive and kicking. I would say two years ago he wasn’t really fully alive anymore. But he still liked me to be very close to him. I loved the closeness, that we had. It was not a shock to me, when he actually passed away on the 12th of December 2020. I knew, that he probably would not be around anymore for Christmas. The last few weeks, when he had palliative care, passed quickly, which I thought was good for him, for how could he survive any longer with cancer of the bone in his back! I had known for some time, that he would not make it to Christmas. Did I have any idea, what would happen to me after he was gone? I soon realized, that I was not well prepared at all to be living by myself. But I have a feeling, that this has changed now.

The following is from January 16, 2021 from my blog site:

At the beginning of this post I mention my blogger friend Catterel:

My blogger friend, Catterel, wrote to me the following:

“Writing helps sort out thoughts, ideas, feelings – and helps me stay sane and on top of things. Thank you for rebloggingui this,, dear Uta. I hope you are finding your way in this new year. Blessings.”

This I replied:

I like, what you write, dear Cat. You say, you hope for me to find my way in this New Year. Yes, a lot of it is new for me in this New Year. Meaning, I have to sort out my feelings about a lot of things. What I wish most for myself is, not to get upset about anything. Make changes where they can be achieved, but to be happy, when the changes take time. Not being upset about it that maybe I do not have much time left, but to be happy about every day that is still given to me. And even if I can achieve only very little each day, to be content with just that little bit that I can still achieve. Even if sometimes I think I waste too much time, I want to try to be gentle with myself by telling myself that I really do each day as much as is possible for me to do.

These days I spend most hours of the day totally on my own, while a lot of the time doing the every day things that need to be done. This includes a bit of walking with my rollator, hopefully catching some sunshine and being able to enjoy beautiful fresh air! Also, while walking, becoming aware of my feelings and maybe of some distant memories. I might be feeling how important it is to be able to talk to people, yes wishing to have a conversation with someone, thinking about what I would like to talk about, or what some other person would like to talk about to me. As far as writing is concerned, this is often to me just like talking. I reckon, when you talk to somebody, you usually get some kind of response. Can I imagine some kind of response, oh yes, I can imagine a response about certain subjects that I would really like to talk about. How good writing is to somehow sort out our feelings and thinking!

2 thoughts on “Writing About Writing”

  1. gerard oosterman
  2. Yes, keeping contact with people is important and blogging is one way of doing this. I too spend most of the time on my own but recently found a good woman friend through the internet, There are days that the only contact is by text messages.
    Whatever you achieve daily is good and it doesn’t have to be a lot. A large extended family is what I miss but make up for it by my blogging friends and contact with a group of people who like talking and sipping coffee not far from here.
    Best wishes,
    1. auntyuta
    2. Thanks for commenting, Gerard. I rely on email or WordPress comments for I don’t do text messages. Recently I did do quite a bit of gardening, well, what is a lot for me, but I did a bit on most days. So I feel I acomplished something. Today I sorted out some books. This took quite a while, but I had several breaks. There are many, many books of Peter’s that trigger so many memories!
      There are about 100 books I would really like to read. Maybe a couple of hours of reading is getting me there. And who knows, once I start reading, I might often be tempted to read for more than a couple of hours. I read ‘Holy Smoke’ recently, and it took me only a couple of days. https://www.publishersweekly.com/978-0-7868-6349-5
      Cheers, Uta 

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6 thoughts on “Uta’s Diary

  1. You are getting there Uta.
    When I lost my husband the two year anniversary was the letting go time.
    Our circumstances are different.
    I had kids to see to.
    But, loss is loss.
    I wish you strength.

  2. Uta, I really like this. You mentioned that when Peter left, you had to learn how to navigate without his half. I have to wonder, was his half actually gone? Was it not grafted onto you? Has it not become a part of your very organic structure, seemless and functional?

    I’m at that age now where I wonder which of us will go first, Chris or me. I know it sounds selfish, but I would perfer my exit being first. Somehow, I’m convinced that she would have a much better experiencing at adjusting to the walk left for her without me.

    Again, thanks, and I love your words about Peter and the life you two had together.

    1. Hello, dear Old and Blessed! Your comment gives me much to think about. It is the way it is. Not always does the one who wants to go first, actually go first. Many times during the past 18 months or so I had wished I could follow Peter immediately! But it was not to be. I am still alive! And I reckon, it is up to me now, to be grateful for that bit of extra time that has been given to me! I am sure, this is what Peter would wish for me. –
      Take care, dear friend, and stay safe! ❤ Uta

  3. Keep taking one day at a time, SweetUta! ❤️
    You have many purposes…one being your writing here on WP. You touch our hearts, you encourage us, you teach us!
    Find the joy in each day…and if there is none, create some! 😉 That’s one of my mottos! 🙂
    (((HUGS))) ❤️

  4. Creating joy, Carolyn, I very much like this motto of yours! 🙂

    With your beautiful comment you’ve created joy again! 🙂

    Thank you, Carolyn, thank you very much! 🙂

    Take care and stay safe!

    HUGS from Uta ❤

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