Why do I write? Because I have to. Nothing else is going to lift me out of this deep fog, that is threatening to become bigger and bigger. Or am I in a big hole right now, so that I have to struggle and struggle, to get out of it? But it seems, like only some minutes ago I was still rather happy in myself. I had absolutely no worries, that I couldn’t cope with. None what so ever. How can a mood change so quickly, I wonder. What brought that on? I was pretty resilient. Not anymore. How can that be? I do not understand myself.
Do I need to get some counselling now, or what? In the past some counselling by people I felt close to, has always helped me. Where are these people now? Is this a sign of very old age, that the people, that could help me now, have vanished from my sight? I still want my life to end soon, but why can I not live my last few days being happy and joyful the way I was until very recently? I was so looking forward to a joyful, high spirited passing!
Can I tell people, that I feel, it is better for me to pass away very soon rather than to struggle just to stay alive. When I tell people this is how I feel, would they just tell me, I need treatment for depression?
Where, oh where can I see the light in the tunnel? Until very recently I felt very happy to be living on my own at home. So, what has changed all of a sudden? How can I be so vulnerable? For nothing much has changed really. It is all in my mind.
I thought, Peter, my deceased husband, would want me to live the last few days of my life in as joyful a manner as possible. He must have known, how hard it would turn out to be for me, for he was devestated to leave me on my own. For a lot of the time, I thought, I did pretty well. However it was not to be for me to live a carefree, happy life all the time.
Just some tiny upsets can make me feel like I’m getting severe blows. How can that be? I have really everything a woman my age could wish for. So, I thought, I am very lucky, as lucky as can be. I should be grateful, that I can still enjoy everything in my life. And I was grateful, very grateful. So what has changed? I really could not tell you. It is my rapid aging, I think. It is so overwhelming, and coming on very, very suddenly, much too suddenly.
You can’t tell me, there is a cure for this rapid aging. Indeed. all this aging gets worse by the minute! And it is all natural. Isn’t it natural too, that I don’t want to do anything to prolong my life? If I get very low or very high blood pressure, who is to tell me I should get treatment for this? Treatment is to let me live a bit longer. Why should I want this?
Strangers, who look at me, say I am doing alright. I could live many more years. They do not see, what I feel like inside. I can very well hide, how I really feel. When I talk to my family about my feelings, they don’t believe me that I really want my life to end at any time very soon. I can’t think of anything, that would be likely to change my mind about wanting to die soon.
German and Austrian Christmas customs have spread throughout the world wherever Christmas (Weihnachten) is celebrated. From the Christmas tree (Tannenbaum) to “Silent Night” (“Stille Nacht“) and on to the Advent calendar (Adventskalender), people around the globe have adopted many traditions that began in the German-speaking world.
Yittah enjoys watching her…
AuntyUta 