Category: Diary

Thinking about my useless Life towards the End of December 2022

Why do I write? Because I have to. Nothing else is going to lift me out of this deep fog, that is threatening to become bigger and bigger. Or am I in a big hole right now, so that I have to struggle and struggle, to get out of it? But it seems, like only some minutes ago I was still rather happy in myself. I had absolutely no worries, that I couldn’t cope with. None what so ever. How can a mood change so quickly, I wonder. What brought that on? I was pretty resilient. Not anymore. How can that be? I do not understand myself.

Do I need to get some counselling now, or what? In the past some counselling by people I felt close to, has always helped me. Where are these people now? Is this a sign of very old age, that the people, that could help me now, have vanished from my sight? I still want my life to end soon, but why can I not live my last few days being happy and joyful the way I was until very recently? I was so looking forward to a joyful, high spirited passing!

Can I tell people, that I feel, it is better for me to pass away very soon rather than to struggle just to stay alive. When I tell people this is how I feel, would they just tell me, I need treatment for depression?

Where, oh where can I see the light in the tunnel? Until very recently I felt very happy to be living on my own at home. So, what has changed all of a sudden? How can I be so vulnerable? For nothing much has changed really. It is all in my mind.

I thought, Peter, my deceased husband, would want me to live the last few days of my life in as joyful a manner as possible. He must have known, how hard it would turn out to be for me, for he was devestated to leave me on my own. For a lot of the time, I thought, I did pretty well. However it was not to be for me to live a carefree, happy life all the time.

Just some tiny upsets can make me feel like I’m getting severe blows. How can that be? I have really everything a woman my age could wish for. So, I thought, I am very lucky, as lucky as can be. I should be grateful, that I can still enjoy everything in my life. And I was grateful, very grateful. So what has changed? I really could not tell you. It is my rapid aging, I think. It is so overwhelming, and coming on very, very suddenly, much too suddenly.

You can’t tell me, there is a cure for this rapid aging. Indeed. all this aging gets worse by the minute! And it is all natural. Isn’t it natural too, that I don’t want to do anything to prolong my life? If I get very low or very high blood pressure, who is to tell me I should get treatment for this? Treatment is to let me live a bit longer. Why should I want this?

Strangers, who look at me, say I am doing alright. I could live many more years. They do not see, what I feel like inside. I can very well hide, how I really feel. When I talk to my family about my feelings, they don’t believe me that I really want my life to end at any time very soon. I can’t think of anything, that would be likely to change my mind about wanting to die soon.

How we celebrate Christmas with the Family

AuntyUta

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Christmas Eve with the Family in 2021

 auntyuta  Diary, Life in Australia, Memories, Old Age  December 9, 2021 2 Minutes

It is our tradition, to celebrate Christmas with all the family on Christmas Eve! So, all my family want to come this year to my place again!  We are usually more than 16 people for this kind of get-togethers! This is including four of my great-grandchildren aged 2, 5, 7 and 9!  I have two more great-grandchildren in Victoria. Unfortunately I have not seen these for quite a while. – – – Sadly, it is going to be the second Christmas without Peter. – – –

Secret Santa will be coming again this year. So, everyone gets only one present! However, I am sure there is going to be some very special nice food provided once more due to the combined effort of several women. I am probably going to make some potato salad again. A lot of people do like my salad!  I sometimes used to add some herring to the salad! 🙂

And of course people bring along beer, wine and maybe some liquor as well as a variety of soft drinks.  (Mark is in the habit of drinking only Coca Cola when he knows, that he has to be driving home again.)

Our other custom at Christmas time is to make ‘Bunte Teller’ with Pfefferkuchen (gingerbread), nuts, special fruit and some sweets like for instance marzipan sweets and chocolates. 

I hope the weather is going to be fine, so that we can stay outside a lot and make good use of the new deck and to be outside in the open a lot of the time. 

Maybe some people are going to stay overnight again, that would mean, we could be able to cheer with plenty of nice drinks! 

All the outside area on the three different sections of the house have been made usable recently. So there is plenty of room for people to spread out a bit. There are even two ramps for my rollator! Colourful electric lights have been installed, and there are also about half a dozen solar lights spread out over the ground as well as some new electric flash lights! 

I hope, my son Martin will be able to come from Victoria, and that this time the borders are going to stay open. Martin told me, that he can stay only for a couple of nights, but that I am welcome to go back with him and his dog Millie to his place in Benalla. 

I am looking forward to spend some great holidays in Benalla! 

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Published by auntyuta

Auntie, Sister. Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Mother and Wife of German Descent I’ve lived in Australia since 1959 together with my husband Peter. We have four children, eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. I started blogging because I wanted to publish some of my childhood memories. I am blogging now also some of my other memories. I like to publish some photos too as well as a little bit of a diary from the present time. Occasionally I publish a story with a bit of fiction in it. Peter, my husband, is publishing some of his stories under berlioz1935.wordpress.com View all posts by auntyuta

PublishedDecember 9, 2021

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5 thoughts on “Christmas Eve with the Family in 2021”

  1. doesitevenmatter3Edit
  3. YAY! This all sounds wonderful, SweetUta! Enjoy your family, the celebrations, especially the love.
    I know Peter will be with you in thought, spirit, and heart. He will be smiling. 
    I’d love to know your potato salad recipe if you care to share it. I make a good potato salad but I’m always open to learning a new way. 
    (((HUGS)))
    👼🎄🌟🔔🎉🎅🎁🎄Reply
    1. auntyutaEdit
    2. Carolyn, I think it is a good idea to make the potato salad a day before you want to use it. Before I serve it the next day, I make sure to taste it first to find out whether it needs some extra ingredients. For instance, it is possible that it does need a bit of extra salt and also some extra vinegar. People usually like it, when it is sufficiently sour! When I make the salad, I like to add a lot of finely diced onions to the potato pieces, as well as small pieces of pickled or sour cucumbers. And I find, if I happen to have some nice sweet apples, it improves the salad to add finely cut apple pieces! Also a little bit of mustard can make the salad a bit more spicy. Of course, I start making the salad with a large amount of boiled and sliced, cooled down pieces of potato. (I take the skin off after I boiled the potatoes!) As soon as all the potatoes are diced, I add pepper, salt and olive oil plus the mayonnaise and also a bit of vinegar. All the other things that I mentioned are optional. 
      Peter always liked my potato salad too. 
      Stay safe, dear Carolyn,
      Hugs from U      ta 
      1. doesitevenmatter3 Edit
      3. Yes, that makes sense. Potato Salad is great day of, but, also, tastes even better in the days after…the leftovers. (If there are any! Ha!)
        I add all of the things you do…but I’ve never thought of apples! I love this idea! I shall try it! Thank you for sharing this idea! I appreciate it! 
        (((HUGS)))          
      4. And you can add herring!! Ha❤
  4. DebraEditI do hope the travel restrictions will be very light, and that you will have your wonderful family tradition on the 24th. God bless you, Uta.Reply
    1. auntyuta EditYes, dear Debra, we all hope there won’t be any travel restrictions. And I am so happy, that this time we will be able to mainly celebrate outside. This should make it much safer to have so many people around. We still don’t know, how this new variant of the Coronavirus might effect us.
      So, I send you hugs from the Australian summer! 
      Stay safe, Debra, and enjoy your Christmas as much as possible.
      Love, Uta 

Mariane’s Diary Nr. 6

Yesterday, Monday, the 14th of November. Marianne had a few thoughts about intimate relationships between men and women of any age. She was thinking back to the postwar years in Germany when she was just a little girl. There were a lot of war widows at the time. Even as a little girl, she noticed, that for a man who was travelling around a lot because of his job. quite often it was very normal to have a loving widow in every town he visited. And every of these widows would welcome this travelling man with open arms, all too happy giving and receiving lots of sexual pleasures! What could be wrong with that? Really, nothing at all. Wasn’t everyone, who felt like this, entitled to giving and receiving some sexual pleasures? Everybody was just out to enjoy themselves for a little bit. Nobody got hurt. It was a very normal thing to happen at the time. And these women, often war widows, did not mind at all, if their man had other sweethearts in different towns, All these relationships would be sort of in the open, that is everybody was honest about it. No secrets!

Marianne, reflecting on it now, came to the conclusion, that surely if a very considerate and caring travelling man had a sexual relationship with several women within one week or one month, of course this was totally acceptable!

However, it seemed to Marianne, probably none of these women would have accepted a second lover for as long as there was still some involvement with the first lover!

This is just the way it is, thought Marianne. Men and women are very different in this respect. Hardly any women would want to have two lovers at the same time. Whereas a lot of men would just want to be free to be sexually involved with several women at the same time, if there was some opportunity fot this, meaning some women were just agreeable to this!! Since their experience might be, that most women just want their partner to be sexually exclusive, that is to have no other sex partner, these men, that end up getting involved with another woman or several othere women, want to keep it secret! And when the secret is discovered. it is said, the man has been cheating.

On the other hand, Marianne is sure, that once a man falls truly in love with someone. he would not want to involve himself all the way with another partner!

This is already Marianne’s Diary Nr. 4!

How can a single woman have an attractive single man as a close friend in a strictly platonic relationship?

Usually it might be rather unlikely that this kind of relationship remains strictly platonic if it is a rather close relationship where they communicate more or less constantly. All of a sudden, Marianne becomes aware, that, even though Jack really likes her as a friend, he is not at all interested in having an intimate relationship with her. He might sometimes say so, but his actions are more, that he likes the attention of other women.

She realises now, that she has to cut herself loose from Jack. There is no other way. She reckons, she may still have a chance of meeting someone else. Anyhow, she does like the idea to have the freedom to be able to perhaps go out on a date. It has been an awful long time since she has been dating anyone in a romantic way. She thinks back, how exciting it was, when she was dating Gunter, her husband, such a long time ago. On their first date they went to see a movie. And it was a great success!

Actually, she thinks back, that she met Gunter by going out with a girlfriend. You never know, this sort of thing, might still work. Going out with one of her woman friends might perhaps be a chance of meeting an attractive man in her age group! Maybe, there’s going to be a New Year’s Eve party at the Club that they could go to. Well, she thinks, whatever will be, will be. Marianne is determined to make the most of the last years of her life. There might not be many years left anyway. She just hopes, that she stays healthy enough for a bit longer. And for Jack she wishes good health too, and Good Luck!

The Diary of Marianne Kraft (3)

Yesterday, Marianne was overjoyed, that Jack had finally come to see her, hoping, from now on they could see each other quite regularly, since they really lived close to each other. Why should they have to restrict themselves to seeing each other only online? It just didn’t make sense to her. When she thinks about it again, she decides, it might be best, to talk to her sister about the situation the way it was now.

So, a bit later that same day, Thursday, Marianne talked to her older sister, asking her about her opinion. Well, first of all she was glad, she could talk to someone close to her about what was going on in her life with Jack. Just being able to talk about him, was enough. Helga, her sister, did not really voice an opionion, but she listened intendly to what Marianne had to say. It felt so good to Marianne, that someone was listening! That she did not have to keep everything to herself.

Marianne’s sister Helga lives in Queensland. She is 87, but still has a partner who has an apartment not far away from where Helga lives. This partner, Udo, is 72 now, and Helga has been with him for about twenty years already. She did get to know him just a couple of years after her husband had died. Helga’s children objected to Udo all the time, finding all sorts of faults with him, and telling Helga, that Udo was not good for her. But Helga stuck by him. So, by and large, the children have accepted now their mother’s relationship with Udo.

The only thing Helga was saying about Jack, was, that maybe Jack was ready now to have a longterm relationship, but not to be too disappointed, if it did not work out the way she was hoping, but to just take it, the way it comes! Above all, she should avoid being pushy about it. That means, it might pay off, to just be very patient! So, possibly not to stop loving him, no matter what. She might keep in mind, that to love him just as a friend, could probably be very rewarding too!

My November 2022 Diary

 Edit

I like it, that I did get another very good response to that reblog as well as to
the original page about wanting to write some fiction.

So with two good responses from my dear blogger friends I should really
feel encouraged enough to start writing my novel, or shall I call it my novella?
For I thought to restrict it to maybe 200 pages.

Last week I developed some major tooth problems. Some of it is under control
now. But I’m afraid some more dental treatment is still required.

I already had quite a few challenges in my old age. This is another challenge now, that I could do without. But then I can also look at a lot of good things that have come my way recently and throughout my life!

Yes, I feel I’ve had a very rewarding life, and I like writing about it. That I cannot write much about persons in my life, who are alive, is a bummer, for I like to write about things that are autobiographical. But then, you’ll never know, I might get to like fictional writing even more!

A Weekend with Family in October 2022

So, we stayed at our holiday ‘camp’ at Sussex Inlet from Friday, 21st of October. to Sunday, the 25th! 🙂

Caroline, my youngest daughter, turns 44 in about six weeks. She was at the holiday ‘camp’ with her whole family right next door to me: A 16 months old baby was one of the family: This was so good! 🙂

I stayed with my daughter Monika and her partner Mark. Monika turns 64 in less than six weeks. The twins, Monika’s sons, stayed in another unit with their families: It was so good, to have Monika’s grandsons around! They are absoluely lovely kids. 🙂

On Saturday, one of Monika’s daughters stayed with her friend in our camp just for the day!  So these people were number 16 and 17, and I was number 18! I hugged them all, and they hugged me!  A lot of hugging all around. 🙂

The first Time at Sussex Inlet

The first Time at Sussex Inlet

This was in 1985!

Uta with daughter Caroline and grandsons Ryan and Troy (the twins!). It was a wet morning.

This was our first time at Sussex Inlet. Caroline was six and the twins were still five. The rain lasted only for one day. After this we had beautiful summer weather again. When our son Martin came to visit with his wife Elizabeth the Inlet looked gorgeous in lovely sunshine.

It was March 1985 and in July Martin and Elizabeth had their first child, a boy named Tristan.  After daughter Monika’s twins, Tristan was to be our third grandchild. The following grandchildren were all girls. Monika’s three girls and Martin’s two girls. So we have eight grandchildren ; the last one of them was born in 1997. In the meantime we are also blessed with three great-grandchildren.

After having experienced Sussex Inlet for the first time in 1985 we went back there lots of times. The children and grandchildren always loved it. Only our first born child, daughter Gabriele was never able to join us at Sussex Inlet because she needed an Iron Lung to sleep in for the night.

We were happy that our youngest daughter had the company of the twins. The three of them did get on very well together. When people saw us with the three of them, they often thought they were triplets! The twins would ring their mum from a public phone near the office of the campsite. The place was still called a ‘camp’ but it had newly built units which  could accommodate up to eight people each.

In March 1985 the unit we were in had only just been built.  Everything looked brand new. The best thing about Sussex Inlet was that it was very secluded. We called it our little paradise.

Early morning. A kangaroo comes to greet us.
Grandpa Peter and the twins want to have a close look





AuntyUta

This was our first time at Sussex Inlet. Caroline was six and the twins were still five. The rain lasted only for one day. After this we had beautiful summer weather again. When our son Martin came to visit with his wife Elizabeth the Inlet looked gorgeous in lovely sunshine.

It was March 1985 and in July Martin and Elizabeth had their first child, a boy named Tristan.  After daughter Monika’s twins, Tristan was to be our third grandchild. The following grandchildren were all girls. Monika’s three girls and Martin’s two girls. So we have eight grandchildren ; the last one of them was born in 1997. In the meantime we are also blessed with three great-grandchildren.

After having experienced Sussex Inlet for the first time in 1985 we went back there lots of times. The children and grandchildren always loved it. Only our first born child, daughter Gabriele was never able to join us at Sussex Inlet because she needed an Iron Lung to sleep in for the night.

We were happy that our youngest daughter had the company of the twins. The three of them did get on very well together. When people saw us with the three of them, they often thought they were triplets! The twins would ring their mum from a public phone near the office of the campsite. The place was still called a ‘camp’ but it had newly built units which  could accommodate up to eight people each.

In March 1985 the unit we were in had only just been built.  Everything looked brand new. The best thing about Sussex Inlet was that it was very secluded. We called it our little paradise.

Early morning. A kangaroo comes to greet us.
Grandpa Peter and the twins want to have a close look


Does anyone want to play ball with Grandma?

Martin keeps the three children in the boat happy

Edit

Martin with his wife Elizabeth

On the right our son Martin

It is now October 2022!

Last Weekend, that is from Friday the 21st of October to Sunday, the 23rd , I with a lot of family members, spend some time at Suseex Inlet again! Even though it was raining a lot of the time, all of us still had a very good time. I took lots of pictures. Hopefully, I’ll be able to publish some of these pictures pretty soon! 🙂